Heart on the sleeve

When do you know you care too much?
When do you know you don't care enough?
Where's the line? Is there a line?

Do I care too much? Do I not care enough?
Do I try to be more then I am capable of?
Am I not living up to what I am capable of?

There has to be a point where you can show that you care without being... obsessive? possessive? demanding? controlling?

Where's my balance?

If I don't try... if I pretend it never happened... if I pretend all is good... I feel separated. I feel disconnected. I feel like I'm not caring enough.
But when I do try... When I do care... I seem to always make things worse.

Why can't I just shut up and let things be, for better or worse? Why can't I just accept everyone for who they are, as they are? Why do I keep trying to make things 'better'? By whose definition am I going by? But when I do shut up and let things be, it drives me crazy because I know there can be so much more. You can shut your mouth... but how do you shut off your mind? How do you shut off your heart?

Where's the balance?

ARRRRGH

Sometimes I just don't want to try anymore. That nothing I do is worth it. Someone asked how I would be if I moved away, would I be different?

I sure hope so. And it's funny... but it aches... there are times I long to be away. Somewhere new. Start fresh. It feels like... it would be... freedom. To get away from it all. To get away from the expectations. To get away from the habits that hold me down. To get away from the past that haunts me.

Another thing someone asked recently... if you were to meet yourself... would you hate them, or love them? I think I would hate who I am. I think I would not get along with who I am. So, why am I like this?

I really like this song right now. And maybe it holds true in my life. Maybe I've built up walls again. I don't know. But I do know that I'm not content with who I am.

Tenth Avenue North - Healing Begins

Dreams and Aspirations

I never realized it before and it took my psychologist to recognize it.

I've lost my dreams.
I've lost my aspirations.
I've lost my passion.
I've lost my motivation.
I've lost my dedication.
I've lost myself.

I've been so scared of failing.
I've been so scared of dreaming.
I've been so scared of taking risks.
I've been so scared of living.

I've told a lot of the youth to push themselves. To reach above their goals and reach for their dreams. I've often likened it to jumping for a ladder. The higher the rung you aim for, the higher you'll end up (even if you don't reach the specific rung you were aiming for and fall down -- you'll still find yourself higher then you are currently at). But if you aim for the lowest rung possible, even if you reach it, you've gone nowhere. The further you imagine yourself to be, the further your skills and knowledge develop to accomadate your dreams.

Here I've been afraid of dreaming. Afraid of aiming for the highest rung possible. I've been content with reaching for something lower then myself because I'm too scared of falling. I work with a safety net, within a comfort zone. I've reached so far below my abilities that I've slowly lost my skills and knowledge. I've gone nowhere.

I wanted to be a doctor. I got scared when my marks weren't good enough. So, I looked down and aimed for a lower rung.
I wanted to be a paramedic. I got scared when I ran into a difficult preceptor. So, I started looking down again for another lower rung.
I want to be... what? What will scare me then? How much further will I look down? When will I finally look back up and realize that I've been going the wrong way in life?

I need to dream again.
I need to breath again.
I need to look up again.
I need to live my life to the fullest.

I don't know everything. But I CAN learn.
I can't do everything. But I CAN try.
I'm not always right. But I CAN believe.
I will make mistakes. But I am NOT a mistake.
I will fail. But I will NOT be a failure.

Yes, I CAN.
I Believe. I Need to.
Time to start looking up again.
Time to start dreaming again.
Time to start living again.
Time to remember that it's okay to be wrong.
Time to remember that I am not perfect and I don't need to pretend to be.

Probation

Finally, after 2 1/2 years of working casual at the Children's hospital... I am off probation! Stupid 2000+ hours of probation time! That's almost an extra $2 an hour. AND we got a 5% raise. YIPEE! And I get to play supervisor over the summer. Talk about strange: a casual working as a supervisor. HA. But then again, I don't think I ever imagined I'd still be here by now. But even though things haven't worked out the way I expected it to, career wise... God is still providing and still in charge and He Is Good.

Now to keep working on my thought processes and making it more positive in nature! Finally get myself out of this slump and hopefully my insomnia finally goes away as well!

Okay, time to stop wasting time online and finally get cracking on my stupid research paper.

Lemonade

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Never did give that saying much thought, but it's so true.

Life never goes the way you expect it to. In fact, the more you expect it to go a certain way, the more it twists you around and tosses you off somewhere unexpected. Leaving you lost and confused and feeling like you've been kicked in the balls repetitively and continuously for the past century. It sucks. It hurts. And it's inevitable.

You can, and most will, fall into a time of fear, doubt, depression, etc. But it's what you choose to do in those times that really define who you are. Will you lie down in a fetal position and take the assault and give up? Or will you claw your way back up and find your path once more?

I feel like I'm finally waking up, finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.

It's NOT my fault.
I am NOT a failure.

I can and I will overcome.
Yes, we can!
Because,
Yes, HE can!

I'm at work right now, and they have youtube locked out... but a song by Fireflight will be embedded here someday.

Fireflight - What I've Overcome



"I'm not what I have done
I'm what I've overcome"

And I don't have a lot to overcome in the big picture, as Christ overcame the grave for me!

He didn't go to the grave,
He went through the grave!

Thank You, Lord!

Beached

I feel like a beached whale.

Somewhere where I don't belong.

So close to where I need to be.

Touching it.

Being teased by the tide that comes and goes.

Stuck.

Without the means to get myself out.

I'm slowly suffocating.

The tide keeps me alive just enough.

Gives me a taste.

Of freedom.

But I can't do it.
I'm stuck.
I don't know how.
I don't have the means.

I'm running out of ideas.
I'm running out of energy.
I'm running out of motivation.
I'm running out of time.

I'm gasping.

But I can't breathe.



I need help.

I need a miracle.

I need to believe.

Spiral of Death

I feel like I'm spinning out of control.
I've fallen and I can't get up.
I've ran into a dead end.
I've hit a wall, hard.
I'm dazed.
I'm weak.

All I want to do is sleep it off. Sleep my life away.
I've got no energy. No motivation. No appetite.
All I'm left with are my tears. And they keep coming. They don't stop. There's no escape.

I'm withering away.
Physically.
Spiritually.
Emotionally.
Mentally.

But there's a flicker beneath it all...
A flame that's burning...
It's almost out.
I need to re-ignite it.
I need to burn away all that is holding me back.
Be gone, depression!
Be gone, panic attacks!
Be gone, apathy!
Be gone, fear!

But I'm so scared.
Scared to the point of being paralyzed.
I can't move. I can't act. I can't think.
I'm going to be run over and left for dead soon.
And the scary thing is I've started to accept that...

Who am I?
How did I become like this?
Where did I go wrong?

I want to just lie down somewhere and pass away. To run away from it all.

.
..
...
....
.....
....
...
..
.

But I know I can't.
I know God created me for a reason.
I know God has a purpose for me still.

When you can't run, you crawl... and when you can't do that, you find someone to carry you.

And there's only one person strong enough to carry me through this all.

"Footprints in the Sand"
One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; one belonging to him, and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints in the sand it was then that I carried you."

Lost

God created me perfect.

And I've destroyed it. I've defiled it.

Things that I've done. Things that I've said. Things that I've thought. It's all brought me further from perfection. Further from what God created me to be. Further from God.

I'm 25 years old.
Living at home.
Still in school.
No passion. No motivation.
I feel like I've lost my way somewhere.
Like I've fallen into a bottomless pit.
Everything I grab onto turns into mist and slips through my fingers.

All I wanted was a career where I could help others.
All I wanted was a career where I could make a difference.
All I wanted was to make enough money to provide for a family.
To live a good, simple life.
To love someone. To be loved back.

And to have everything feel like it's slipping away...
I'm grasping at anything and everything...
But nothing is solid enough to support me...
I keep falling...

My mind is fogged up.
My heart is as hard as a stone.
My soul is dried up.
My strength is gone.

I am lost.

Don't Wake Me

(I find it really spooky how so many Skillet songs seem to be exactly what I'm going through at the moment)

"Death is as light as a feather, but responsibility is as heavy as a mountain."

Lately, I can not take that mountain anymore.

I just can't go on...

I was so close to just giving everything up today. Everything. Walking away from it all and never looking back.

I just want to sleep. To dream. To be where I'm happy. Even if I don't remember it when I wake up.

But I know I can't keep dreaming.

I need to start living.



God, breathe into me.

It's time to wake up from this dream. It's over. It's done.

Dream about living. Don't live in your dreams.

Anger

Anger. Is what consumes me right now.

It comes so easily these days. Over so little.

Empathy? Screw it.

Sigh... well... no... I need to understand that other people are not like me. (Thank God). But clearly most people do not like serving... they do not simply step up and take charge when required. Maybe I should learn to say no more often... and people will stop using me as an excuse.

Maybe it's the season... and I don't mean the Christmas season which usually cheers me up and I'm usually very happy and outgoing around this time... but the season of darkness. Seasonal depression. Makes me become introverted. Makes me lethargic. Mix that in with school that goes right to the 23rd of December... stupid finals... delayed Christmas shopping/gift wrapping/card writing because of school... and knowing that I won't be in town for the holidays and I'm just not as cheery, if that word could ever be used to describe me.

I am now actually looking forward to not being around for the next month and a half. Off for vacation for 2 weeks... come back and go right onto practicum and miss the entire month of January. I've never looked forward to missing so much church before, but strangely enough... now, I am.

I just don't seem to care anymore. In the back of my head, I know I want to and I know I probably will end up doing so... but for the most part... I simply no longer care.

And knowing me... something will probably happen within the next few days to change my attitude and I'll look like a fool for writing this.

Knowing what I'm supposed to do. How I'm supposed to act. And yet... everything inside... if it ever came out... wow. When is it alright to be yourself. To stop fulfilling everyone's expectations of you... or my perceptions of what their expectations are. Why does it always feel so wrong to feel what you feel when this is who you are?

The High Road

The high road.

Doing what is necessary. Doing what is right. Acting like nothing is wrong in front of everyone else. To hide all that hurts you, in order to not hurt someone else.

Even though all you want to do is curl up somewhere and cry.

When is it alright to be selfish? To want something you can't have? How do you know you can't have it?

How do you let it go? How do you pretend it never happened?

Smile. Just... smile. Because that is what everyone needs from you.

"Our greatest glory lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."

Mental Fortitude

Mental Fortitude. a.k.a. - Mental and emotional strength in facing difficulty, adversity, danger, or temptation courageously.

That is what I lack.

My life has been chock full of times where I gave up when things got difficult.
- can't reach my parents standards in academics of 95% and above... so I stopped studying. Better to have an excuse for doing bad then to not reach standards when giving it your all.
- UofA. Terrible first year due to lack of studying... got myself off probation in second year... only to screw up on my third year. Bad planning (didn't read things properly when registering for courses)... but it was the 25% on my first midterm in Biochem that really messed me up. My first failing grade on any science based exam. And this was after studying for days leading up to this midterm. It was so disheartening... and then getting a repeat 25% on the second midterm... and that was it. Over. Second semester... wow, haha. (Though... I'll admit... I learned how to make friends and socialize during that final semester...)
- Working out... I have all the equipment I really need. But I rarely use it. I don't see any improvements quickly and I give up.
- To this day... I'm so scared of failing... I'm afraid to try. Could I be a better paramedic? Definitely. I'm so scared of making a mistake that I end up not doing anything decisive. Could I be a better person? Definitely. If I wasn't so scared of what others thought of me and my failures that I end up second-guessing every action and word I say. Could I be a better friend? Definitely. If I stopped holding on to all the negatives and held on to the positives.

Sigh.

So many times, I live in my own world. I zone out. I go into my own dream world. A world where the next question always ends up being... "So then what?.." And then I live out every possible way of life in my head. Good. Bad. Whatever. And then I'll live it all over again in different ways. Then I realize that I lost out on reality, cause I was living my life in my head... So, what do I do then? I choose to live out the past in my head and think about "what ifs"... ha!

I need to change that question in my head to... "So what NOW?" I need to seriously start focusing my mind again. To stop it from wandering all over the place. I need to start living my life and to stop living it out in my head. FOCUS!

Maybe that will help me with my sleeping problems too. If my mind stops wandering, perhaps I won't stay up in bed all night long.

Anyways. All things can change. So long as you work on it. Some things just require a lot more mental strength then you're always willing to admit.

An encouraging video for all of you who actually read my blog. =P You can make a difference. You can make a change. Be the change. Be the difference! =P

Happy Thanksgiving!

It's a time for thanksgiving and a time for reflection of all that we have been blessed with!!

So, why is it that I am so ungrateful? Why is it that I want so much more then what I already have? Even when what I have is already so wonderful? Why am I never content? Why does it always take losing something great before you realize how stupid you really were? Why am I always so selfish? Why could I have not just accepted it as it was (which was extremely great and a true blessing on my life)? Why am I so immature? Why do I keep holding on so tightly that it just squeezes out through my fingers and end up holding nothing in the end?

I have not screamed into my pillow in a LONG time. But I did that again this weekend. This Thanksgiving weekend. I have not cried myself to sleep in a while now. But I did that again this weekend. This Thanksgiving weekend.

God has blessed with me with so much. He continues to bless me everyday of my life. And yet I force God to take it away because of my actions. Because I'm not thankful everyday. Because I am selfish.

The hardest thing to do in life... is to do the right thing in life. And often times, you never truly know if it's the right thing until you've done it... or missed the opportunity. I hope I made the right choice.



OH. But. HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE! =P

Hi, EUNICE

Welcome to the blogging community, Eunice! Don't get too addicted. =P Shouldn't be too hard now that not many people actually update their blogs, haha. I just got back into it after a year's absence.

There isn't much to it. Write what you want. Just remember that people will read it. Sometimes it does help to write things out (as you know)... but other times it really does help having somebody actually read your inner most thoughts and give you some advice, opinions, etc. Just be very careful who knows your blog address and whether or not you actually want people reading it. XP

Sometimes, you can reveal exactly who you are and what you're thinking deep down inside. Other times, you can cover up with a well-written blog... almost like being at a masquerade! haha. Actually, I'm just trying to tie this into the video I have posted on your behalf! So, Eunice, welcome to the masquerade (aka. the world of blogging, haha)

Welcome to the Masquerade - Thousand Foot Krutch!

Minding the Tongue

I've started to notice a lot of things I say. And they aren't always good. They never have been. I think a lot of it started because I felt I needed to say something to fit in. That not saying anything made me feel separate from the group. And it got to a point where I no longer cared what my words did. Cause it became a way of life. People began to expect it. It was who I was. There was a point where I tried to stop saying things... but people would just automatically say things "for me". And even then... even when I didn't say anything... or wasn't even there... people would still believe I did. So, I stopped trying. Why bother when people are going to credit it to you even if you don't say it?? Why not just do it then and get it over with?

BUT... that's the easy way out. And this is a habit that needs to be broken. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen" -Ephesians 4:29. To break this habit, I don't think I can revert back to the old steps I've tried; of just biting my tongue. Biting my tongue is a short-term solution, but that is all it is. I may be able to stop myself every so often. But it does not stop my mind from thinking it. And that is where it all boils down to. Like the song by Skillet - Monster... I feel like a monster.
It must be contained.
It needs to be tamed.
It will be tough, but must be done.
Not on my own, but through the Son. =P

Cross Iron Mills

Finally dropped by Cross Iron Mills today. Not quite what I expected. Architecturally, it is nicer. I quite enjoyed walking around the mall. Even the flooring was nice. It's also smaller than I thought it would be, and there's definitely not too many new or unique stores... that I noticed, at least. With that, I did not feel overwhelmed at this mall like I thought I would. But then again, I didn't go into too many stores either and didn't buy anything except something for lunch. Koryo was good. Portion seemed bigger (at least the sides)... but I felt gypped because they don't include a drink with the combos anymore. Sigh. Prices seemed about the same as anywhere else. Even the factory outlets didn't seem like a bargain. Maybe I'm just too cheap when it comes to shopping, haha. Or the fact that I bought 5 cd's at Blessings earlier already. Either way, the highlight of my day was definitely my new cd's!!

SKILLET, TFK, LEELAND, RED, and the Counting on God CD! WOOT WOOT! Loving it. I was so tempted to just sit somewhere in my car and just listen to my music!!

I also washed my car today and sharpened my skates. For anyone that cares. The new hockey store at Cross Irons sharpens skates for $5. Cheaper than Tuxedo which is $7.50. But then you have to drive further. haha.

And now I've realized why I gave up blogging. What's the point of updating this? haha. Does anybody really care? Do I even care? Not all my posts will be deep reflections on life like my last one. =P

Oh well. Enjoy some songs from the cd's I purchased today!

Skillet - Alive and Awake


Thousand Foot Krutch - Bring Me To Life


Leeland - Love Is On The Move


RED - Breath Into Me


New Life Worship - Counting On God

A New Beginning

WARNING: An extremely long blog.

It's been a long time since I've blogged. I don't even know why I'm back. But there's enough stuff swirling in my head that maybe this will help me sort things out a bit... Talking it out in my head... mostly arguing/debating... doesn't seem to to do much, except to bring up more questions and concerns.

But like the title says... it is time for a new beginning.

Summer camp was the starting point. Every message seemed to be directed at me.

Sunday service: Seek the GOLD of Excellence, not BRONZE. Gold is symbolized by being 'Simple', 'Passionate' with 'Risk "Faith"'. And Bronze is symbolized by 'Structure', 'Protocol' and being 'Reserved'. I am a man of structure and protocol who takes very few risks. Things need to be done in a very specific way. Things need to be thought out till every minor detail has been seen to. Nothing is to be left unprepared for and when the unexpected happens, I am not a happy man. This attitude bodes well for administrative stuff like wedding coordinating (apparently)... but it also takes away from God and places everything onto myself. Which can not and should not be.

Monday Evening: God is unpredictable and always moving. Our strength must be renewed DAILY. We must Embrace the Word and the Prophetic; Enjoy the presence; and Expect to be Surprised by a God on the move. We can not build a tent and stay put in this moment! I am one who lives in the past. I am one who holds onto things (good and bad) longer than is healthy. My room, like my memory, is lined wall-to-wall with the gifts and the pains gathered throughout my life. Always on display. Never thrown out. Very little has been added to my room/memory in the past few years. And maybe it is time to start replacing the past with the present.

Tuesday Morning: FORGIVENESS! Forgiveness is NOT forgetting/pardon/justice/reconditioning. Forgiveness is accepting people who have hurt you with Gods Grace and seeing them as if they never hurt you. We are all full of bitterness and anger from our past hurts. We must forgive in order to be forgiven. The 7 proofs of forgiveness: 1) Keep it quiet. 2) Proceed in tenderness. 3) Embrace rather than distance. 4) Release them from negative emotions. 5) Walk in DIVINE PERSPECTIVE. 6) Bless and do not Curse. 7) Keep on Forgiving! The list of manifestations that prove that we are bitter... could have easily been a description of me. As each one was listed off, it felt like a nail was hammered into my heart. And I know that I need to change. As hard as it will be, I need to. During my quiet reflection at the end of that service, one name kept popping to mind... no matter how hard I tried to resist it or to push it away, that name always came back. I have since talked with that person and found that the bitterness was mutual. But being released from that bitterness felt like a mountain was lifted off my back. I know there are more mountains on my back and hopefully they continue to come off one at a time cause I long to be free!

Tuesday Evening:"Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is FREEDOM!" - 2 Cor 3:17. Our past is not the only thing holding us back from being free with God. Our present self also hinders us from soaring. 1) Sin: Guilt - You MADE a mistake. Shame - You ARE the mistake. 2) Fear: Our pride is too great. 3) Analysis: Can lead to paralysis from criticism and mockery. 4) Control: Our way. Our time. "God offends the mind to reveal the heart". 5) Emotions: Go Hard or Go Home. Participate; Not Spectate. 6) Distractions: Embrace; Enjoy; Expect! Get distracted by the almighty God! Something that I know has been on the hearts of many at church lately has been the lack of worship. The 'deadness' of it all. It has felt like everyone wanted to reach out and to let go of themselves, but everyone was too scared to do so alone. Well, Tuesday night... That all changed. We were released from our bonds; as one. Our spirits were FREE! And seeing that continue after camp has been a BLESSING! Personally, all 6 barriers exist in my life. Sin is unavoidable. But I need to stop looking at myself as the mistake and understanding that mistake has been made and can be learned from. Fear of what others think and Pride of thinking I know what is right is a hindrance. I analyze everything to the smallest detail and often overlook the bigger picture. Through this analysis, I 'believe' I know what to expect and how it should happen... which actually rarely happens the way I thought! Spectating is how I analyze which stops me from participating often. And there are so many distractions in life. Each of these walls must be broken down. For me, my top 2 were Control and Analysis.

Wednesday Morning: To seek God, we must prioritize God. We must meet him "Face-to-Face" (Panim). God is pleased with us and His presence will be with us. This was, I hate to admit, probably the service that I was the most tired in... other than the testimony one... But knowing that God is pleased with us and not always angry at us really does strike a chord with me. I have done so much wrong. Said so many things that I should not have. That to know that God is pleased with me and that I am His. WOW. Oh, and the workshop. God has a plan, that's for sure. For all the worrying about the youth not taking God/camp/prayer seriously. They sure brought up great questions and answers! I am so proud of them! And so excited for their futures!

Wednesday Evening: "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope" - Jer. 29:11 "Your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, This is the way, walk in it, Whenever you turn to the right hand Or whenever you turn to the left" - Isa. 30:21. We are all as close to God as we want to be. God is with us, no matter which direction we choose to take, and He has a plan for us that is GOOD and not EVIL! One of my greatest regrets it not having the study and work habits throughout my academic career. One of my biggest burdens is my 3 years at UofA. A time of utter academic failure. A time of being totally lost. A time where I often doubt whether or not I achieved what God wanted me to achieve up there. And it was something I actually voiced right before service to someone. And to know that... no matter what choice I make in life. No matter which direction I end up taking, be it a right turn or a left turn. God is still in control. God will still use me for good. God will still provide all that I require. And it will be good.

Since camp, I have ended up working a lot. My emergency room practicum started up. And other things have come to mind. When I think about it; It is not where I expected myself to be 5 years ago. And at times, I feel worthless. I feel lost. I feel stupid. I feel like I could have been something better. Someone better. But here I am. And I AM FREE! And God is STILL with me. And God's plan for me is STILL GOOD! I am STILL blessed with a great and loving family. I am STILL blessed with great and caring friends that look out for me no matter how big of a jerk I am. I AM BLESSED!

Here's to a NEW BEGINNING!

Another Updated Flames List

The Calgary Flames just signed Bertuzzi to a 1 year 1.95mil contract. Which, I think is decent. Not too expensive and if he doesn't get too injured, he can still put up the points and adds secondary scoring. Which is what we need. And for those that I told that Vandermeer got 2.3 mil a year. They've changed it now and it looks to be only 1.6 mil, which is much better for someone like Vandermeer!!

Cammalleri (3.1) - Langkow (4.5) - Iginla (7.0) (speed/skill - defensive/grit - power/skill)
Glencross (1.3) - Lombardi (1.8) - Bertuzzi (2.0) (speed/grit - defensive/speed - power/skill)
Top 2 lines are very similar in nature. One power forward on the one side. One defensive centerman (one with good hands and does well in traffic areas like the front of the net / one speedster). And one speed forward on the other side capable of opening up space or pulling the trigger. You can even switch up Cammalleri and Bertuzzi every so often to create a power line (Bertuzzi - Langkow - Iginla) who can power their way through. And one speed line (Cammalleri - Lombardi - Glencross) who can use their speed to get them through.

Nystrom - Conroy - Moss
Bourque - Primeau - Boyd/Prust

Not bad in terms of depth forwards here. Conroy and Primeau add the veteran influence and are both skilled enough to shut down opposing forwards. Nystrom proved that he can be a younger/faster Yelle. Moss and Boyd add some offensive capabilities to the mix while being dependable defensively as well. Bourque sounds similar to a Moss type player as well. And Prust would be your agitator/enforcer for those games where he would be required.

Regehr - Sarich
Will be your shut-down defensive pairing just like last season. Both play a similar style of game and found chemistry near the end of last season. Both will hit hard and play smart defensively. Don't expect much offensive contribution.

Phaneuf - Vandermeer/Aucoin
Phaneuf does everything and depending on what you need paired up with him. Aucoin... to complement Phaneuf with another powerful shot from the other point on the PP (though I don't think Aucoin should play that many minutes in a game). Vandermeer... to add some stability to Phaneufs play and to protect Phaneuf from agitators trying to get Phaneuf off his game.

Giordano - Vandermeer/Aucoin
The 3rd defensive pairing. Average offense. Average defense. Makes for a good 5th/6th defensive pairing.

Pardy
Gain some experience for the youngster to replace Aucoin as a steady shut-down defenseman after Aucoin's contract expires next season.

Kiprusoff
McElhinney
Kiprusoff didn't play any better with competition from a veteran back-up. So, might as well give our youngers a shot and McElhinney held his own with a 2.00gaa in the games he played last year. Decent numbers for a rookie.

Holiday Prequel

So, my mom sent me out to Vancouver to get my car fixed by my uncle (whose a mechanic). Don't know if it's cheaper that way. But that's what I was told to do, so I did it. At first, I was really scared about driving on my own for the 10+ hours required both ways, but it wasn't bad. It was great having my iPod and the FM transmitter cause the variety made listening to music and driving a lot more enjoyable. Drank Aloe drinks there and back and ate beef jerky as well. Don't think I'll make driving my day job though cause my bad hurt a LOT after each drive. But overall, not bad. And now I know I can drive to Vancouver and back without any problems. Maybe a driving companion to talk to would make it a little bit better though (someone I enjoy talking to for long spans of time). Though, I think the biggest problem there is finding someone willing to talk with me for that long of a time. =)

Anyways, I ended up heading out to Kelowna after dropping off my car and spent 4 days on the lake. It was awesome. Did some tubing and even tried some knee-boarding (next time, maybe I'll try to step up to the wakeboard or the water ski's!). Got burnt because I clearly didn't put enough sunblock on!! But it was still a great time just having fun and relaxing out on the lake! One of those times where it makes me wish I had a girlfriend to share that time with. Sigh...

And then Canada day came along and I REALLY wished I had a girlfriend to share that day with... we took the boat out at night to watch the fireworks! It was sweet... we had no idea where the fireworks were going to be set off, so we were just floating around Kelowna and then the fireworks ended up being set off within 800 meters of where we were (I think we ended up floating about 500 meters away from the fireworks barge by the end of it)!! Closest I've ever been to a firework display! It was great! But having a girl there to enjoy it with would have made it so much more memorable. Sigh... Kinda wish I brought a camera too...

But... as it stands. It was still a great little holiday.

And now... I have a couple days to get things done around the home. Check up on school stuff quickly. And then it's off for the big vacation with the family over in Europe!

Updated Flames List

Cammalleri - Langkow - Iginla
Glencross - Lombardi - Moss
Nystrom - Conroy - Bourque
Greentree/Prust - Primeau - Boyd

Regehr - Sarich
Phaneuf - Vandermeer
Aucoin - Giordanno
Pardy

Kipprusoff
McElhinney

Goaltending: I like it. IF Kipper shows up to play consistently this year. McElhinney should be a good backup. If not Keetley might be good as well.

Defensively: I like it. A bit to expensive for what we've got though. Aucoin (4mil) and Sarich (3.5mil) isn't quite worth it. But Vandermeer and Gioradanno back on should make it a balanced defense at least.

Offensively: Glencross is good... but I'm not sure he's set for a 2nd liner though. But then again, I think we could do better than Moss on the 2nd line as well. So, I'm still hoping for some better 2nd line wingers to play with Lombardi. And I don't know anything about Greentree.

Looking for 2 top-6 forwards!

Cammallerri - Langkow - Iginla
??????????? - Lombardi - ?????
Nystrom - Conroy - Moss
Prust - Primeau - Boyd
Van Der Gulik

Phaneuf -
Regehr - Sarich
Aucoin -

Kipprusoff
McElhinney

Currently signed players only.
Vandermeer, Giordanno and Hale will likely fill out the defensive positions if they get signed. Giordanno is rumoured to have an agreement in place already.