I never realized it before and it took my psychologist to recognize it.
I've lost my dreams.
I've lost my aspirations.
I've lost my passion.
I've lost my motivation.
I've lost my dedication.
I've lost myself.
I've been so scared of failing.
I've been so scared of dreaming.
I've been so scared of taking risks.
I've been so scared of living.
I've told a lot of the youth to push themselves. To reach above their goals and reach for their dreams. I've often likened it to jumping for a ladder. The higher the rung you aim for, the higher you'll end up (even if you don't reach the specific rung you were aiming for and fall down -- you'll still find yourself higher then you are currently at). But if you aim for the lowest rung possible, even if you reach it, you've gone nowhere. The further you imagine yourself to be, the further your skills and knowledge develop to accomadate your dreams.
Here I've been afraid of dreaming. Afraid of aiming for the highest rung possible. I've been content with reaching for something lower then myself because I'm too scared of falling. I work with a safety net, within a comfort zone. I've reached so far below my abilities that I've slowly lost my skills and knowledge. I've gone nowhere.
I wanted to be a doctor. I got scared when my marks weren't good enough. So, I looked down and aimed for a lower rung.
I wanted to be a paramedic. I got scared when I ran into a difficult preceptor. So, I started looking down again for another lower rung.
I want to be... what? What will scare me then? How much further will I look down? When will I finally look back up and realize that I've been going the wrong way in life?
I need to dream again.
I need to breath again.
I need to look up again.
I need to live my life to the fullest.
I don't know everything. But I CAN learn.
I can't do everything. But I CAN try.
I'm not always right. But I CAN believe.
I will make mistakes. But I am NOT a mistake.
I will fail. But I will NOT be a failure.
Yes, I CAN.
I Believe. I Need to.
Time to start looking up again.
Time to start dreaming again.
Time to start living again.
Time to remember that it's okay to be wrong.
Time to remember that I am not perfect and I don't need to pretend to be.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Probation
Finally, after 2 1/2 years of working casual at the Children's hospital... I am off probation! Stupid 2000+ hours of probation time! That's almost an extra $2 an hour. AND we got a 5% raise. YIPEE! And I get to play supervisor over the summer. Talk about strange: a casual working as a supervisor. HA. But then again, I don't think I ever imagined I'd still be here by now. But even though things haven't worked out the way I expected it to, career wise... God is still providing and still in charge and He Is Good.
Now to keep working on my thought processes and making it more positive in nature! Finally get myself out of this slump and hopefully my insomnia finally goes away as well!
Okay, time to stop wasting time online and finally get cracking on my stupid research paper.
Now to keep working on my thought processes and making it more positive in nature! Finally get myself out of this slump and hopefully my insomnia finally goes away as well!
Okay, time to stop wasting time online and finally get cracking on my stupid research paper.
Sunday, April 04, 2010
Lemonade
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
Never did give that saying much thought, but it's so true.
Life never goes the way you expect it to. In fact, the more you expect it to go a certain way, the more it twists you around and tosses you off somewhere unexpected. Leaving you lost and confused and feeling like you've been kicked in the balls repetitively and continuously for the past century. It sucks. It hurts. And it's inevitable.
You can, and most will, fall into a time of fear, doubt, depression, etc. But it's what you choose to do in those times that really define who you are. Will you lie down in a fetal position and take the assault and give up? Or will you claw your way back up and find your path once more?
I feel like I'm finally waking up, finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.
It's NOT my fault.
I am NOT a failure.
I can and I will overcome.
Yes, we can!
Because,
Yes, HE can!
I'm at work right now, and they have youtube locked out... but a song by Fireflight will be embedded here someday.
Fireflight - What I've Overcome
"I'm not what I have done
I'm what I've overcome"
And I don't have a lot to overcome in the big picture, as Christ overcame the grave for me!
He didn't go to the grave,
He went through the grave!
Thank You, Lord!
Never did give that saying much thought, but it's so true.
Life never goes the way you expect it to. In fact, the more you expect it to go a certain way, the more it twists you around and tosses you off somewhere unexpected. Leaving you lost and confused and feeling like you've been kicked in the balls repetitively and continuously for the past century. It sucks. It hurts. And it's inevitable.
You can, and most will, fall into a time of fear, doubt, depression, etc. But it's what you choose to do in those times that really define who you are. Will you lie down in a fetal position and take the assault and give up? Or will you claw your way back up and find your path once more?
I feel like I'm finally waking up, finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.
It's NOT my fault.
I am NOT a failure.
I can and I will overcome.
Yes, we can!
Because,
Yes, HE can!
I'm at work right now, and they have youtube locked out... but a song by Fireflight will be embedded here someday.
Fireflight - What I've Overcome
"I'm not what I have done
I'm what I've overcome"
And I don't have a lot to overcome in the big picture, as Christ overcame the grave for me!
He didn't go to the grave,
He went through the grave!
Thank You, Lord!