Heart on the sleeve

When do you know you care too much?
When do you know you don't care enough?
Where's the line? Is there a line?

Do I care too much? Do I not care enough?
Do I try to be more then I am capable of?
Am I not living up to what I am capable of?

There has to be a point where you can show that you care without being... obsessive? possessive? demanding? controlling?

Where's my balance?

If I don't try... if I pretend it never happened... if I pretend all is good... I feel separated. I feel disconnected. I feel like I'm not caring enough.
But when I do try... When I do care... I seem to always make things worse.

Why can't I just shut up and let things be, for better or worse? Why can't I just accept everyone for who they are, as they are? Why do I keep trying to make things 'better'? By whose definition am I going by? But when I do shut up and let things be, it drives me crazy because I know there can be so much more. You can shut your mouth... but how do you shut off your mind? How do you shut off your heart?

Where's the balance?

ARRRRGH

Sometimes I just don't want to try anymore. That nothing I do is worth it. Someone asked how I would be if I moved away, would I be different?

I sure hope so. And it's funny... but it aches... there are times I long to be away. Somewhere new. Start fresh. It feels like... it would be... freedom. To get away from it all. To get away from the expectations. To get away from the habits that hold me down. To get away from the past that haunts me.

Another thing someone asked recently... if you were to meet yourself... would you hate them, or love them? I think I would hate who I am. I think I would not get along with who I am. So, why am I like this?

I really like this song right now. And maybe it holds true in my life. Maybe I've built up walls again. I don't know. But I do know that I'm not content with who I am.

Tenth Avenue North - Healing Begins