Anger

Anger. Is what consumes me right now.

It comes so easily these days. Over so little.

Empathy? Screw it.

Sigh... well... no... I need to understand that other people are not like me. (Thank God). But clearly most people do not like serving... they do not simply step up and take charge when required. Maybe I should learn to say no more often... and people will stop using me as an excuse.

Maybe it's the season... and I don't mean the Christmas season which usually cheers me up and I'm usually very happy and outgoing around this time... but the season of darkness. Seasonal depression. Makes me become introverted. Makes me lethargic. Mix that in with school that goes right to the 23rd of December... stupid finals... delayed Christmas shopping/gift wrapping/card writing because of school... and knowing that I won't be in town for the holidays and I'm just not as cheery, if that word could ever be used to describe me.

I am now actually looking forward to not being around for the next month and a half. Off for vacation for 2 weeks... come back and go right onto practicum and miss the entire month of January. I've never looked forward to missing so much church before, but strangely enough... now, I am.

I just don't seem to care anymore. In the back of my head, I know I want to and I know I probably will end up doing so... but for the most part... I simply no longer care.

And knowing me... something will probably happen within the next few days to change my attitude and I'll look like a fool for writing this.

Knowing what I'm supposed to do. How I'm supposed to act. And yet... everything inside... if it ever came out... wow. When is it alright to be yourself. To stop fulfilling everyone's expectations of you... or my perceptions of what their expectations are. Why does it always feel so wrong to feel what you feel when this is who you are?