Oh wow... the more I think about it... the more I think I'm crazy!! lol. I can't believe I actually refused FLAMES tickets today. Granted... I have an exam tomorrow and I need to study for it. That on its own should make it clear that I'm not totally crazy, cause it means I put my priorities in the proper place. Studies first before Entertainment. But with the game starting in less than an hour... I'm starting to think I should have went, lol. I mean, honestly... Alexander Ovechkin is in town... his only appearance probably for the next 3 years. And probably my best and only chance of going to a hockey game this year. AND the craziest thing of it all... the game is on Sportsnet tonight... and guess what? I'll be watching at home ANYWAYS!! So that led me to wonder... why DID I refuse those tickets? Granted, I was in the process of studying when I was told I could have them and my mind was focused on studying and being prepared for tomorrow... but I had already planned to watch the game on tv anyways... so the time slot was left open for it anyways!!
Perhaps it's because it is just a regular season game... and I'm saying JUST a regular season game only because I've been to a playoff game now. And thinking back to last season... the 2 games I went to in the regular season just wan't as entertaining or interesting as that one playoff game or any of the other regular season games I've been to over the years. Guess my expectations for hockey games have been elevated now... I still watch and listen to most of the Flames games... but watching/listening on my own or with a small group of friends seems to be more of what I want then going to a live game. So, it's not purely on expectation for watching hockey games, cause I still watch them. Just when it comes to live hockey games... maybe it's the environment... you would expect a better crowd and environment. The nose-bleeds have great environment, but horrible view of the actual game itself. And the lower-bowl and second floor (where the tickets were for tonight) are mainly season ticket holders that go to most of the games and seem to hold their A-games for the playoffs or games that truly matter. Maybe that's why?
Either way... I still think I'm crazy!! lol. But I don't regret the decision. Studying is important and even if I watch the game at home, I can still work on studying and do more things during intermissions or what not, whereas at a live game, I'd be unable to do anything else.
Blah.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Depression and Wounds
WARNING: Semi-Long Blog... Highly Negative Blog... Nothing Of Much Interest Blog...
So, over the past few years (since I graduated from HS) I've noticed that every autumn becomes very difficult for me mentally. Possible Seasonal Depression? Even my mom has noticed it and believes it to be the case. Sigh. My mom brings up the point that my first semester grades are always lower than my second semester grades... very interesting, lol. I always figured it was because I'm a slow-starter but looking back over the past few years... I seem to give up easier on things around the autumn compared to spring. I also find that I need a LOT more sleep during this time then I usually do. And no, it isn't from oversleeping... I know the feeling of oversleeping cause I've done that quite often the past year of on-and-off schooling and working and this isn't it. I bring this up now... cause I found myself quitting on studying really quickly these past few weeks. I'm usually slow to motivate myself to begin studying, but usually once I start I'm alright and go along at a decent pace. But this time... once I started... I gave up really quickly and in a really negative way. Is this because of possible seasonal depression? or something else?
The Mens Cell-Group has been going through the book "Wild At Heart" and it speaks of being wounded and losing oneself (the true masculine heart as created by God). This weeks chapter was on needing to acknowledge your wounds first in order to be able to overcome your wounds. As I was thinking about what possible wounds I have hidden away... the thought... FAILURE came to mind. I've always been scared of failure... possibly because of the punishment and the expectations to exceed from family and culture. But I KNOW the reason why I became so lazy in school was because I could simply say this after any result:
If I did well in an exam or a class: "Yeah, I didn't study for this at all (makes me seem smarter then I truly am)"
If I didn't do well in an exam or a class: "Yeah, I didn't study for this at all (gives me an excuse for my failures)"
And I was able to pull this off through JH and HS... but reality sunk in when I went to University. Being requested to withdraw twice in three years... The first time, I blamed it on my English prof. who gave me an F. And it didn't help any when I went from an F to a B+ just from changing English profs, cause it made myself believe it even more that the first time wasn't my fault. But then failing a BioChem midterm even after studying 300X more than I have ever studied for any other exam... wow... that smacked me silly and I never recovered from that failure. So, am I so afraid of failure now that I'm afraid to even try? Or, am I so hurt from past failures that even when I do try... I start to think that it will not matter and just give up? Sigh.
So many times I wish I had learned something different when I was younger. So many times I wish I could go back in time and change who I am. So many times I wish I was somebody else. So many times I wish I was born somewhere else. So many times I wish I wasn't even born. So often do I find myself living my life through my mind, through my fantasies. So often do I find myself caught up playing a video game, watching a movie, tv show, reading a fantasy/sci-fi novel... and so often do I find myself wishing I was in that reality instead of this one. Always living my life as the hero. The one who is filled with honor. The one that saves the world. The one that saves others. And yet... in this life... would I be the hero? or the villain? or possibly just a nobody? The ensign that gets sent on every mission just so that someome could get killed... Maybe my mom was right? The reason why I want to become a paramedic is because it is viewed as a "hero" job - the entire job-description is precisely that... you go out and you save others. Though, we rarely if ever put our own life in risk to do so... which is perhaps why I've been thinking about joining the military... ack... am I doing this paramedic program because of MY OWN WISHES? or because this is who God created me to be? Sigh... so many questions... that always only lead to more questions.
Rev. Kelly Johnson said on Sunday that the more you are alone, the less years you'll live. Sometimes I wish that my limited years would just come to end now.
Wow... did that ever turn into a negative blog! Anyways... FYI: I'm not suicidal and I'm not highly-depressed. Just felt I needed to get some things off my chest in order to acknowledge my wounds and to overcome them. So now... back to studying Medical Terminology (how I loathe thee)... and hopefully with less burden upon my heart that I might be able to focus without feeling the need to quit. :P
So, over the past few years (since I graduated from HS) I've noticed that every autumn becomes very difficult for me mentally. Possible Seasonal Depression? Even my mom has noticed it and believes it to be the case. Sigh. My mom brings up the point that my first semester grades are always lower than my second semester grades... very interesting, lol. I always figured it was because I'm a slow-starter but looking back over the past few years... I seem to give up easier on things around the autumn compared to spring. I also find that I need a LOT more sleep during this time then I usually do. And no, it isn't from oversleeping... I know the feeling of oversleeping cause I've done that quite often the past year of on-and-off schooling and working and this isn't it. I bring this up now... cause I found myself quitting on studying really quickly these past few weeks. I'm usually slow to motivate myself to begin studying, but usually once I start I'm alright and go along at a decent pace. But this time... once I started... I gave up really quickly and in a really negative way. Is this because of possible seasonal depression? or something else?
The Mens Cell-Group has been going through the book "Wild At Heart" and it speaks of being wounded and losing oneself (the true masculine heart as created by God). This weeks chapter was on needing to acknowledge your wounds first in order to be able to overcome your wounds. As I was thinking about what possible wounds I have hidden away... the thought... FAILURE came to mind. I've always been scared of failure... possibly because of the punishment and the expectations to exceed from family and culture. But I KNOW the reason why I became so lazy in school was because I could simply say this after any result:
If I did well in an exam or a class: "Yeah, I didn't study for this at all (makes me seem smarter then I truly am)"
If I didn't do well in an exam or a class: "Yeah, I didn't study for this at all (gives me an excuse for my failures)"
And I was able to pull this off through JH and HS... but reality sunk in when I went to University. Being requested to withdraw twice in three years... The first time, I blamed it on my English prof. who gave me an F. And it didn't help any when I went from an F to a B+ just from changing English profs, cause it made myself believe it even more that the first time wasn't my fault. But then failing a BioChem midterm even after studying 300X more than I have ever studied for any other exam... wow... that smacked me silly and I never recovered from that failure. So, am I so afraid of failure now that I'm afraid to even try? Or, am I so hurt from past failures that even when I do try... I start to think that it will not matter and just give up? Sigh.
So many times I wish I had learned something different when I was younger. So many times I wish I could go back in time and change who I am. So many times I wish I was somebody else. So many times I wish I was born somewhere else. So many times I wish I wasn't even born. So often do I find myself living my life through my mind, through my fantasies. So often do I find myself caught up playing a video game, watching a movie, tv show, reading a fantasy/sci-fi novel... and so often do I find myself wishing I was in that reality instead of this one. Always living my life as the hero. The one who is filled with honor. The one that saves the world. The one that saves others. And yet... in this life... would I be the hero? or the villain? or possibly just a nobody? The ensign that gets sent on every mission just so that someome could get killed... Maybe my mom was right? The reason why I want to become a paramedic is because it is viewed as a "hero" job - the entire job-description is precisely that... you go out and you save others. Though, we rarely if ever put our own life in risk to do so... which is perhaps why I've been thinking about joining the military... ack... am I doing this paramedic program because of MY OWN WISHES? or because this is who God created me to be? Sigh... so many questions... that always only lead to more questions.
Rev. Kelly Johnson said on Sunday that the more you are alone, the less years you'll live. Sometimes I wish that my limited years would just come to end now.
Wow... did that ever turn into a negative blog! Anyways... FYI: I'm not suicidal and I'm not highly-depressed. Just felt I needed to get some things off my chest in order to acknowledge my wounds and to overcome them. So now... back to studying Medical Terminology (how I loathe thee)... and hopefully with less burden upon my heart that I might be able to focus without feeling the need to quit. :P
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Intervenous Access
Man was it ever stressful today at school. We had a full-day purely focusing on Intervenous Access... and it's stressful. It's stressful when you finally do a live trial on your partner cause you really don't want to screw up. I mean, you're sticking a needle into their bloodstream and everything. But... good thing is, I got it on the first try, so I'm qutie happy. But the scariest part of the day was when I had to be sticked by my partner... and it's not so much the fear or needles - cause I've gotten needles all my life without any problems - but it's more a fear of EMT Students that are trying an IV Access for the first time ever on a live person (being ME). Sitting there and waiting for my partner to finish setting up was extremely stressful... just sitting there and waiting... apparently I looked pretty freaked out cause 2 of my instructors were like... "Are you okay? If you're not up for it, you don't have to do it". lol. But it went by alright. Needle in feels like any other needle in... nothing different about it, so that was alright. But most times a needle is poked in and taken out relatively quickly - no longer than half-a-minute... but this time it was left in there for a couple minutes and it feels SOOOO strange having something in your vein... and when it moves around, it feels so weird. Also, my partner didn't put enough pressure on my vein during the procedure so I ended up bleeding quite a bit... all over my hand. Oh well... it was a good leason learned there. Cause when it was my turn, I learned from his mistake and was able to do it without the leakage of blood. :P
Thursday, October 05, 2006
A Little Bit Of Nothing
Well... the NHL Season finally started and I know I missed hockey when I watch a Toronto-Ottawa game, lol. The first one, where Ottawa won... not tonights where Toronto won, but yeah... it's strange. I've been so anxious for time to speed up and for the new season to start... but now that the season has started... I'm anxious for playoffs to come along and for us to find out where everyone stands in terms of playoff picture. Who needs to wait 8 months and wait for your favorite team to play 82 games before finding out how they do this season!?! This is why playing NHL on Gamecube is so cool... you can finish a whole season in less than an hour. :P
In other news... the Flames have lost their opening game. But that's alright, one game out of 82. Whoopie-do, lol. But I think their BEST shift the entire night... was that first shift they had, and then after that... nothing. No emotion. No jump. A bunch of missed plays. Edmonton played well though... going to be interesting watching that offense of theirs, very interesting. And when a hockey game has such a lack of emotion... I tend to watch something else. And Remembering the Titans, is actually a pretty good movie. I liked it. I missed Iginla's penaltyshot because of that movie, lol. But then again... Iginla and penalty shots... they just don't mesh. :P
And a couple more videos for your viewing pleasures. This first video pays homage to the last Movie Night at Yee-Poh's theatre (though I was not there). Who knows who that is?
This second one is for all you guys out there... and perhaps as interesting tidbit for all you females out there as well. :P (Warning: Video Length: 9:56
In other news... the Flames have lost their opening game. But that's alright, one game out of 82. Whoopie-do, lol. But I think their BEST shift the entire night... was that first shift they had, and then after that... nothing. No emotion. No jump. A bunch of missed plays. Edmonton played well though... going to be interesting watching that offense of theirs, very interesting. And when a hockey game has such a lack of emotion... I tend to watch something else. And Remembering the Titans, is actually a pretty good movie. I liked it. I missed Iginla's penaltyshot because of that movie, lol. But then again... Iginla and penalty shots... they just don't mesh. :P
And a couple more videos for your viewing pleasures. This first video pays homage to the last Movie Night at Yee-Poh's theatre (though I was not there). Who knows who that is?
This second one is for all you guys out there... and perhaps as interesting tidbit for all you females out there as well. :P (Warning: Video Length: 9:56