A New Beginning

WARNING: An extremely long blog.

It's been a long time since I've blogged. I don't even know why I'm back. But there's enough stuff swirling in my head that maybe this will help me sort things out a bit... Talking it out in my head... mostly arguing/debating... doesn't seem to to do much, except to bring up more questions and concerns.

But like the title says... it is time for a new beginning.

Summer camp was the starting point. Every message seemed to be directed at me.

Sunday service: Seek the GOLD of Excellence, not BRONZE. Gold is symbolized by being 'Simple', 'Passionate' with 'Risk "Faith"'. And Bronze is symbolized by 'Structure', 'Protocol' and being 'Reserved'. I am a man of structure and protocol who takes very few risks. Things need to be done in a very specific way. Things need to be thought out till every minor detail has been seen to. Nothing is to be left unprepared for and when the unexpected happens, I am not a happy man. This attitude bodes well for administrative stuff like wedding coordinating (apparently)... but it also takes away from God and places everything onto myself. Which can not and should not be.

Monday Evening: God is unpredictable and always moving. Our strength must be renewed DAILY. We must Embrace the Word and the Prophetic; Enjoy the presence; and Expect to be Surprised by a God on the move. We can not build a tent and stay put in this moment! I am one who lives in the past. I am one who holds onto things (good and bad) longer than is healthy. My room, like my memory, is lined wall-to-wall with the gifts and the pains gathered throughout my life. Always on display. Never thrown out. Very little has been added to my room/memory in the past few years. And maybe it is time to start replacing the past with the present.

Tuesday Morning: FORGIVENESS! Forgiveness is NOT forgetting/pardon/justice/reconditioning. Forgiveness is accepting people who have hurt you with Gods Grace and seeing them as if they never hurt you. We are all full of bitterness and anger from our past hurts. We must forgive in order to be forgiven. The 7 proofs of forgiveness: 1) Keep it quiet. 2) Proceed in tenderness. 3) Embrace rather than distance. 4) Release them from negative emotions. 5) Walk in DIVINE PERSPECTIVE. 6) Bless and do not Curse. 7) Keep on Forgiving! The list of manifestations that prove that we are bitter... could have easily been a description of me. As each one was listed off, it felt like a nail was hammered into my heart. And I know that I need to change. As hard as it will be, I need to. During my quiet reflection at the end of that service, one name kept popping to mind... no matter how hard I tried to resist it or to push it away, that name always came back. I have since talked with that person and found that the bitterness was mutual. But being released from that bitterness felt like a mountain was lifted off my back. I know there are more mountains on my back and hopefully they continue to come off one at a time cause I long to be free!

Tuesday Evening:"Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is FREEDOM!" - 2 Cor 3:17. Our past is not the only thing holding us back from being free with God. Our present self also hinders us from soaring. 1) Sin: Guilt - You MADE a mistake. Shame - You ARE the mistake. 2) Fear: Our pride is too great. 3) Analysis: Can lead to paralysis from criticism and mockery. 4) Control: Our way. Our time. "God offends the mind to reveal the heart". 5) Emotions: Go Hard or Go Home. Participate; Not Spectate. 6) Distractions: Embrace; Enjoy; Expect! Get distracted by the almighty God! Something that I know has been on the hearts of many at church lately has been the lack of worship. The 'deadness' of it all. It has felt like everyone wanted to reach out and to let go of themselves, but everyone was too scared to do so alone. Well, Tuesday night... That all changed. We were released from our bonds; as one. Our spirits were FREE! And seeing that continue after camp has been a BLESSING! Personally, all 6 barriers exist in my life. Sin is unavoidable. But I need to stop looking at myself as the mistake and understanding that mistake has been made and can be learned from. Fear of what others think and Pride of thinking I know what is right is a hindrance. I analyze everything to the smallest detail and often overlook the bigger picture. Through this analysis, I 'believe' I know what to expect and how it should happen... which actually rarely happens the way I thought! Spectating is how I analyze which stops me from participating often. And there are so many distractions in life. Each of these walls must be broken down. For me, my top 2 were Control and Analysis.

Wednesday Morning: To seek God, we must prioritize God. We must meet him "Face-to-Face" (Panim). God is pleased with us and His presence will be with us. This was, I hate to admit, probably the service that I was the most tired in... other than the testimony one... But knowing that God is pleased with us and not always angry at us really does strike a chord with me. I have done so much wrong. Said so many things that I should not have. That to know that God is pleased with me and that I am His. WOW. Oh, and the workshop. God has a plan, that's for sure. For all the worrying about the youth not taking God/camp/prayer seriously. They sure brought up great questions and answers! I am so proud of them! And so excited for their futures!

Wednesday Evening: "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope" - Jer. 29:11 "Your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, This is the way, walk in it, Whenever you turn to the right hand Or whenever you turn to the left" - Isa. 30:21. We are all as close to God as we want to be. God is with us, no matter which direction we choose to take, and He has a plan for us that is GOOD and not EVIL! One of my greatest regrets it not having the study and work habits throughout my academic career. One of my biggest burdens is my 3 years at UofA. A time of utter academic failure. A time of being totally lost. A time where I often doubt whether or not I achieved what God wanted me to achieve up there. And it was something I actually voiced right before service to someone. And to know that... no matter what choice I make in life. No matter which direction I end up taking, be it a right turn or a left turn. God is still in control. God will still use me for good. God will still provide all that I require. And it will be good.

Since camp, I have ended up working a lot. My emergency room practicum started up. And other things have come to mind. When I think about it; It is not where I expected myself to be 5 years ago. And at times, I feel worthless. I feel lost. I feel stupid. I feel like I could have been something better. Someone better. But here I am. And I AM FREE! And God is STILL with me. And God's plan for me is STILL GOOD! I am STILL blessed with a great and loving family. I am STILL blessed with great and caring friends that look out for me no matter how big of a jerk I am. I AM BLESSED!

Here's to a NEW BEGINNING!