Mental Fortitude

Mental Fortitude. a.k.a. - Mental and emotional strength in facing difficulty, adversity, danger, or temptation courageously.

That is what I lack.

My life has been chock full of times where I gave up when things got difficult.
- can't reach my parents standards in academics of 95% and above... so I stopped studying. Better to have an excuse for doing bad then to not reach standards when giving it your all.
- UofA. Terrible first year due to lack of studying... got myself off probation in second year... only to screw up on my third year. Bad planning (didn't read things properly when registering for courses)... but it was the 25% on my first midterm in Biochem that really messed me up. My first failing grade on any science based exam. And this was after studying for days leading up to this midterm. It was so disheartening... and then getting a repeat 25% on the second midterm... and that was it. Over. Second semester... wow, haha. (Though... I'll admit... I learned how to make friends and socialize during that final semester...)
- Working out... I have all the equipment I really need. But I rarely use it. I don't see any improvements quickly and I give up.
- To this day... I'm so scared of failing... I'm afraid to try. Could I be a better paramedic? Definitely. I'm so scared of making a mistake that I end up not doing anything decisive. Could I be a better person? Definitely. If I wasn't so scared of what others thought of me and my failures that I end up second-guessing every action and word I say. Could I be a better friend? Definitely. If I stopped holding on to all the negatives and held on to the positives.

Sigh.

So many times, I live in my own world. I zone out. I go into my own dream world. A world where the next question always ends up being... "So then what?.." And then I live out every possible way of life in my head. Good. Bad. Whatever. And then I'll live it all over again in different ways. Then I realize that I lost out on reality, cause I was living my life in my head... So, what do I do then? I choose to live out the past in my head and think about "what ifs"... ha!

I need to change that question in my head to... "So what NOW?" I need to seriously start focusing my mind again. To stop it from wandering all over the place. I need to start living my life and to stop living it out in my head. FOCUS!

Maybe that will help me with my sleeping problems too. If my mind stops wandering, perhaps I won't stay up in bed all night long.

Anyways. All things can change. So long as you work on it. Some things just require a lot more mental strength then you're always willing to admit.

An encouraging video for all of you who actually read my blog. =P You can make a difference. You can make a change. Be the change. Be the difference! =P