There are days where you are going way too fast,
And all you can do is pray you don't fall.
Then there are days that go o' so slow,
And it takes all you have just to stand tall.
It may tilt into a hill or a mountain path,
And you'll need to dig deep to push on through.
Though you can not see what is coming up,
At least you know it'll stay straight and true.
And such is life; you live and you breathe;
So long as you keep moving and do not fall.
But if you stop and truly take a look around,
You'll notice you're still facing the same wall.
No matter how hard and how fast you ran,
How much cardio and how fit you became,
You've accomplished nothing and gone nowhere;
So in the end, you're still the same.
So it's time to get off that treadmill,
Where no decisions were truly made.
Get back outside and plug into reality,
And hope your decisions get a passing grade.
This path will have potholes and speed bumps;
It may be nice and the sun is shining; or not.
You'll come to multiple forks in the road;
And you'll need to make a decision; or rot.
There will be others on this path or passing by,
And you'll have to deal with each one as they do.
It may not always be easy or silky smooth,
As the drama of high school will follow you.
But you need to breathe it all in and take a look around,
All the joys and the pains, the laughter and the tears;
The people you love and even those you don't;
This is what life is all about, so have no fear.
Take a walk on the wild side, crawl if you have to.
But know that God is by your side, whatever you do.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
Brokenness
God uses the broken.
He takes up the pieces and makes it into something greater then it was before.
But only if you let yourself be re-built. Only if you allow yourself to be placed into the refiners' fire. Only if you allow yourself to let go of the past.
Somehow, holding on to this pain, this brokenness, has become akin to an addiction. It's sad how this heartache and this pain can make me feel alive. It reminds me that I had a heart and a soul and had desires and dreams. Dreams that have come crashing down, desires that have eroded away, a soul that has lost it's way and a heart that is broken.
When... when can I finally let it go? When can I finally let myself go? When can I finally let my failures go? When can I finally let my expectations go? And just live. And just allow God to create in me a pure heart, to transform my dreams into something glorious, to conform my desires to His and to mold my soul in to His image...
Where did I go wrong?
Where do I go from here?
He takes up the pieces and makes it into something greater then it was before.
But only if you let yourself be re-built. Only if you allow yourself to be placed into the refiners' fire. Only if you allow yourself to let go of the past.
Somehow, holding on to this pain, this brokenness, has become akin to an addiction. It's sad how this heartache and this pain can make me feel alive. It reminds me that I had a heart and a soul and had desires and dreams. Dreams that have come crashing down, desires that have eroded away, a soul that has lost it's way and a heart that is broken.
When... when can I finally let it go? When can I finally let myself go? When can I finally let my failures go? When can I finally let my expectations go? And just live. And just allow God to create in me a pure heart, to transform my dreams into something glorious, to conform my desires to His and to mold my soul in to His image...
Where did I go wrong?
Where do I go from here?
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Joke Time
Five Surgeons Talking:
The first, an Ontario surgeon says: "I like to see accountants on my OR table, because when I open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, a Quebec surgeon responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside of them is color coded."
The third, a B.C. surgeon says: "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside of them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth, an Alberta surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But, the fifth, a Newfoundland surgeon, shuts them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine -- and the head and the ass are interchangeable."
The first, an Ontario surgeon says: "I like to see accountants on my OR table, because when I open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, a Quebec surgeon responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside of them is color coded."
The third, a B.C. surgeon says: "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside of them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth, an Alberta surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But, the fifth, a Newfoundland surgeon, shuts them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine -- and the head and the ass are interchangeable."
Friday, September 03, 2010
Random Thoughts
I am in a nice, quiet neighborhood with nice up-kept yards surrounded by white picket fences. I am roughly 10 years old and I go up to the gate of one yard and I knock. A pretty girl with a beautiful smile comes and opens up the gate and invites me in to play. We have a great time together, but in a short time she pushes me out on to the sidewalk and closes the gate. I don't understand why, I am lost and confused, so I sit down on the sidewalk with my back against the fence and I cry. When I finish crying, for what seems like ages, I stand back up and I look into the yard. I see the girl playing and I stand there waiting at the gate, hoping that she will invite me in again. From time to time, she comes over and chats with me over the fence, but never opens the gate. So, I continue to wait. And like a kid waiting in a line, I get antsy every so often, but I stay and I wait, and I hope. However, if my Father comes and gets me, I will be obedient and follow.
Thursday, August 05, 2010
So Cal
Been in So Cal for about a week now, and I love it. Well, traffic sucks... I still have no idea how there are so many cars around! We were in Temecula and the entire county there only has around 400,000 people and yet traffic is busier then Calgary... wow. But otherwise, I could envision myself settling here. In fact... I think we almost did. XP Too bad we didn't though. haha. Almost talked my parents into buying a place by Temecula that would have just been wonderful! I'll post photos of the place when we get back. But the weather is lovely, and it's YEAR-LONG! Things all seem cheaper here then in Canada as well.
But, I guess that settles one thing. I am definitely up for moving away. Oh well... better make the best of what I have and do what I can where I am.
But, I guess that settles one thing. I am definitely up for moving away. Oh well... better make the best of what I have and do what I can where I am.
Monday, July 05, 2010
Mixed Blessings
So, I've applied to approximately 15 jobs over the past month and have heard absolutely nothing back. It's quite discouraging... It does suck knowing that there are approximately 130 applicants for each of the jobs I've applied for. And seniority bites! I have none! So, no experience to begin with and can't find experience along the way... if that was one of my biggest faults going into my final practicum before... how in the world am I going to correct that going into the final practicum again? Sigh.
On the plus side...
Because I was unable to find a job by the summer time, I am acting supervisor at the Children's. That ought to look good on my resume. XP Kind of freaky being in charge of payroll for the first time with limited training. haha I hope all my corrections went through... otherwise, some people may not be pleased this Friday...
Also, without the time-constraints and stress of training and working at a new job, I have been able to focus quite a bit of time into my JesusExpo booth and I feel it's coming along very nicely. The youth that I enlisted or volunteered have all been very passionate about it and I'm excited to see what they come up with. Very excited to see the final product!
For those of you who do not know what JesusExpo is about!
Saturday, July 24, 2010! Come on down to 2nd Ave SE between Center Street and Riverfront between 10am to 5pm to see what it's all about!
And, SUMMER CAMP! Here I come!
Should be a great summer!
Now, hopefully, to top it off... I get a medic-based job starting in the fall. XP
On the plus side...
Because I was unable to find a job by the summer time, I am acting supervisor at the Children's. That ought to look good on my resume. XP Kind of freaky being in charge of payroll for the first time with limited training. haha I hope all my corrections went through... otherwise, some people may not be pleased this Friday...
Also, without the time-constraints and stress of training and working at a new job, I have been able to focus quite a bit of time into my JesusExpo booth and I feel it's coming along very nicely. The youth that I enlisted or volunteered have all been very passionate about it and I'm excited to see what they come up with. Very excited to see the final product!
For those of you who do not know what JesusExpo is about!
Saturday, July 24, 2010! Come on down to 2nd Ave SE between Center Street and Riverfront between 10am to 5pm to see what it's all about!
And, SUMMER CAMP! Here I come!
Should be a great summer!
Now, hopefully, to top it off... I get a medic-based job starting in the fall. XP
Thursday, June 03, 2010
Put The Glass Down
Ah.
It's interesting how easy it is to falter along the path of life. How quickly it can come about. It reminds you of how weak you truly are. That as much as you take on to yourself, sometimes you need to take a break. Sometimes you need others to help you carry the load. It reminded me of a story I got in an e-mail once:
Put the Glass Down
A lecturer was giving a lecture to his student on stress management. He raised a glass of water and asked the audience, "How heavy do you think this glass of water is?"
The students' answers ranged from 20g to 500gm.
"It does not matter on the absolute weight. It depends on how long you hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it is OK. If I hold it for an hour, I will have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you will have to call an ambulance. It is the exact same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."
"If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, we will not be able to carry on, the burden becoming increasingly heavier."
"What you have to do is to put the glass down, rest for a while before holding it up again."
We have to put down the burden periodically, so that we can be refreshed and are able to carry on. So before you return home from work tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it back home. You can pick it up tomorrow.
Whatever burdens you are having now on your shoulders, let it down for a moment if you can. Pick it up again later when you have rested...
And sometimes you just need to remember WHY you took up those burdens in the first place. Sometimes you just need to refocus as to WHY you are carrying those burdens. When you realize that God has a purpose for you, a purpose for the burdens you carry, a purpose for the difficulties and opportunities that life presents to you. You end up remembering that it is THROUGH HIS STRENGTH and not yours. You then realize that ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE and that the weakness you feel, doesn't exist because HIS STRENGTH DOES NOT WAVER!
And as thankless as it all is. There is a purpose. A divine purpose to it all. It may seem pointless, but there is a purpose.
What causes the weakness?... the weight of expectations... the weight of habits... the weight of your past.
But we need to remember that we are more than the choices we've made, we are more than the sums or our past mistakes, we are more than the problems we create. We are remade.
You Are More - Tenth Avenue North
It's interesting how easy it is to falter along the path of life. How quickly it can come about. It reminds you of how weak you truly are. That as much as you take on to yourself, sometimes you need to take a break. Sometimes you need others to help you carry the load. It reminded me of a story I got in an e-mail once:
Put the Glass Down
A lecturer was giving a lecture to his student on stress management. He raised a glass of water and asked the audience, "How heavy do you think this glass of water is?"
The students' answers ranged from 20g to 500gm.
"It does not matter on the absolute weight. It depends on how long you hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it is OK. If I hold it for an hour, I will have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you will have to call an ambulance. It is the exact same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."
"If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, we will not be able to carry on, the burden becoming increasingly heavier."
"What you have to do is to put the glass down, rest for a while before holding it up again."
We have to put down the burden periodically, so that we can be refreshed and are able to carry on. So before you return home from work tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it back home. You can pick it up tomorrow.
Whatever burdens you are having now on your shoulders, let it down for a moment if you can. Pick it up again later when you have rested...
And sometimes you just need to remember WHY you took up those burdens in the first place. Sometimes you just need to refocus as to WHY you are carrying those burdens. When you realize that God has a purpose for you, a purpose for the burdens you carry, a purpose for the difficulties and opportunities that life presents to you. You end up remembering that it is THROUGH HIS STRENGTH and not yours. You then realize that ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE and that the weakness you feel, doesn't exist because HIS STRENGTH DOES NOT WAVER!
And as thankless as it all is. There is a purpose. A divine purpose to it all. It may seem pointless, but there is a purpose.
What causes the weakness?... the weight of expectations... the weight of habits... the weight of your past.
But we need to remember that we are more than the choices we've made, we are more than the sums or our past mistakes, we are more than the problems we create. We are remade.
You Are More - Tenth Avenue North
Monday, May 31, 2010
Heart on the sleeve
When do you know you care too much?
When do you know you don't care enough?
Where's the line? Is there a line?
Do I care too much? Do I not care enough?
Do I try to be more then I am capable of?
Am I not living up to what I am capable of?
There has to be a point where you can show that you care without being... obsessive? possessive? demanding? controlling?
Where's my balance?
If I don't try... if I pretend it never happened... if I pretend all is good... I feel separated. I feel disconnected. I feel like I'm not caring enough.
But when I do try... When I do care... I seem to always make things worse.
Why can't I just shut up and let things be, for better or worse? Why can't I just accept everyone for who they are, as they are? Why do I keep trying to make things 'better'? By whose definition am I going by? But when I do shut up and let things be, it drives me crazy because I know there can be so much more. You can shut your mouth... but how do you shut off your mind? How do you shut off your heart?
Where's the balance?
ARRRRGH
Sometimes I just don't want to try anymore. That nothing I do is worth it. Someone asked how I would be if I moved away, would I be different?
I sure hope so. And it's funny... but it aches... there are times I long to be away. Somewhere new. Start fresh. It feels like... it would be... freedom. To get away from it all. To get away from the expectations. To get away from the habits that hold me down. To get away from the past that haunts me.
Another thing someone asked recently... if you were to meet yourself... would you hate them, or love them? I think I would hate who I am. I think I would not get along with who I am. So, why am I like this?
I really like this song right now. And maybe it holds true in my life. Maybe I've built up walls again. I don't know. But I do know that I'm not content with who I am.
Tenth Avenue North - Healing Begins
When do you know you don't care enough?
Where's the line? Is there a line?
Do I care too much? Do I not care enough?
Do I try to be more then I am capable of?
Am I not living up to what I am capable of?
There has to be a point where you can show that you care without being... obsessive? possessive? demanding? controlling?
Where's my balance?
If I don't try... if I pretend it never happened... if I pretend all is good... I feel separated. I feel disconnected. I feel like I'm not caring enough.
But when I do try... When I do care... I seem to always make things worse.
Why can't I just shut up and let things be, for better or worse? Why can't I just accept everyone for who they are, as they are? Why do I keep trying to make things 'better'? By whose definition am I going by? But when I do shut up and let things be, it drives me crazy because I know there can be so much more. You can shut your mouth... but how do you shut off your mind? How do you shut off your heart?
Where's the balance?
ARRRRGH
Sometimes I just don't want to try anymore. That nothing I do is worth it. Someone asked how I would be if I moved away, would I be different?
I sure hope so. And it's funny... but it aches... there are times I long to be away. Somewhere new. Start fresh. It feels like... it would be... freedom. To get away from it all. To get away from the expectations. To get away from the habits that hold me down. To get away from the past that haunts me.
Another thing someone asked recently... if you were to meet yourself... would you hate them, or love them? I think I would hate who I am. I think I would not get along with who I am. So, why am I like this?
I really like this song right now. And maybe it holds true in my life. Maybe I've built up walls again. I don't know. But I do know that I'm not content with who I am.
Tenth Avenue North - Healing Begins
Friday, April 16, 2010
Dreams and Aspirations
I never realized it before and it took my psychologist to recognize it.
I've lost my dreams.
I've lost my aspirations.
I've lost my passion.
I've lost my motivation.
I've lost my dedication.
I've lost myself.
I've been so scared of failing.
I've been so scared of dreaming.
I've been so scared of taking risks.
I've been so scared of living.
I've told a lot of the youth to push themselves. To reach above their goals and reach for their dreams. I've often likened it to jumping for a ladder. The higher the rung you aim for, the higher you'll end up (even if you don't reach the specific rung you were aiming for and fall down -- you'll still find yourself higher then you are currently at). But if you aim for the lowest rung possible, even if you reach it, you've gone nowhere. The further you imagine yourself to be, the further your skills and knowledge develop to accomadate your dreams.
Here I've been afraid of dreaming. Afraid of aiming for the highest rung possible. I've been content with reaching for something lower then myself because I'm too scared of falling. I work with a safety net, within a comfort zone. I've reached so far below my abilities that I've slowly lost my skills and knowledge. I've gone nowhere.
I wanted to be a doctor. I got scared when my marks weren't good enough. So, I looked down and aimed for a lower rung.
I wanted to be a paramedic. I got scared when I ran into a difficult preceptor. So, I started looking down again for another lower rung.
I want to be... what? What will scare me then? How much further will I look down? When will I finally look back up and realize that I've been going the wrong way in life?
I need to dream again.
I need to breath again.
I need to look up again.
I need to live my life to the fullest.
I don't know everything. But I CAN learn.
I can't do everything. But I CAN try.
I'm not always right. But I CAN believe.
I will make mistakes. But I am NOT a mistake.
I will fail. But I will NOT be a failure.
Yes, I CAN.
I Believe. I Need to.
Time to start looking up again.
Time to start dreaming again.
Time to start living again.
Time to remember that it's okay to be wrong.
Time to remember that I am not perfect and I don't need to pretend to be.
I've lost my dreams.
I've lost my aspirations.
I've lost my passion.
I've lost my motivation.
I've lost my dedication.
I've lost myself.
I've been so scared of failing.
I've been so scared of dreaming.
I've been so scared of taking risks.
I've been so scared of living.
I've told a lot of the youth to push themselves. To reach above their goals and reach for their dreams. I've often likened it to jumping for a ladder. The higher the rung you aim for, the higher you'll end up (even if you don't reach the specific rung you were aiming for and fall down -- you'll still find yourself higher then you are currently at). But if you aim for the lowest rung possible, even if you reach it, you've gone nowhere. The further you imagine yourself to be, the further your skills and knowledge develop to accomadate your dreams.
Here I've been afraid of dreaming. Afraid of aiming for the highest rung possible. I've been content with reaching for something lower then myself because I'm too scared of falling. I work with a safety net, within a comfort zone. I've reached so far below my abilities that I've slowly lost my skills and knowledge. I've gone nowhere.
I wanted to be a doctor. I got scared when my marks weren't good enough. So, I looked down and aimed for a lower rung.
I wanted to be a paramedic. I got scared when I ran into a difficult preceptor. So, I started looking down again for another lower rung.
I want to be... what? What will scare me then? How much further will I look down? When will I finally look back up and realize that I've been going the wrong way in life?
I need to dream again.
I need to breath again.
I need to look up again.
I need to live my life to the fullest.
I don't know everything. But I CAN learn.
I can't do everything. But I CAN try.
I'm not always right. But I CAN believe.
I will make mistakes. But I am NOT a mistake.
I will fail. But I will NOT be a failure.
Yes, I CAN.
I Believe. I Need to.
Time to start looking up again.
Time to start dreaming again.
Time to start living again.
Time to remember that it's okay to be wrong.
Time to remember that I am not perfect and I don't need to pretend to be.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Probation
Finally, after 2 1/2 years of working casual at the Children's hospital... I am off probation! Stupid 2000+ hours of probation time! That's almost an extra $2 an hour. AND we got a 5% raise. YIPEE! And I get to play supervisor over the summer. Talk about strange: a casual working as a supervisor. HA. But then again, I don't think I ever imagined I'd still be here by now. But even though things haven't worked out the way I expected it to, career wise... God is still providing and still in charge and He Is Good.
Now to keep working on my thought processes and making it more positive in nature! Finally get myself out of this slump and hopefully my insomnia finally goes away as well!
Okay, time to stop wasting time online and finally get cracking on my stupid research paper.
Now to keep working on my thought processes and making it more positive in nature! Finally get myself out of this slump and hopefully my insomnia finally goes away as well!
Okay, time to stop wasting time online and finally get cracking on my stupid research paper.
Sunday, April 04, 2010
Lemonade
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
Never did give that saying much thought, but it's so true.
Life never goes the way you expect it to. In fact, the more you expect it to go a certain way, the more it twists you around and tosses you off somewhere unexpected. Leaving you lost and confused and feeling like you've been kicked in the balls repetitively and continuously for the past century. It sucks. It hurts. And it's inevitable.
You can, and most will, fall into a time of fear, doubt, depression, etc. But it's what you choose to do in those times that really define who you are. Will you lie down in a fetal position and take the assault and give up? Or will you claw your way back up and find your path once more?
I feel like I'm finally waking up, finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.
It's NOT my fault.
I am NOT a failure.
I can and I will overcome.
Yes, we can!
Because,
Yes, HE can!
I'm at work right now, and they have youtube locked out... but a song by Fireflight will be embedded here someday.
Fireflight - What I've Overcome
"I'm not what I have done
I'm what I've overcome"
And I don't have a lot to overcome in the big picture, as Christ overcame the grave for me!
He didn't go to the grave,
He went through the grave!
Thank You, Lord!
Never did give that saying much thought, but it's so true.
Life never goes the way you expect it to. In fact, the more you expect it to go a certain way, the more it twists you around and tosses you off somewhere unexpected. Leaving you lost and confused and feeling like you've been kicked in the balls repetitively and continuously for the past century. It sucks. It hurts. And it's inevitable.
You can, and most will, fall into a time of fear, doubt, depression, etc. But it's what you choose to do in those times that really define who you are. Will you lie down in a fetal position and take the assault and give up? Or will you claw your way back up and find your path once more?
I feel like I'm finally waking up, finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.
It's NOT my fault.
I am NOT a failure.
I can and I will overcome.
Yes, we can!
Because,
Yes, HE can!
I'm at work right now, and they have youtube locked out... but a song by Fireflight will be embedded here someday.
Fireflight - What I've Overcome
"I'm not what I have done
I'm what I've overcome"
And I don't have a lot to overcome in the big picture, as Christ overcame the grave for me!
He didn't go to the grave,
He went through the grave!
Thank You, Lord!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Beached
I feel like a beached whale.
Somewhere where I don't belong.
So close to where I need to be.
Touching it.
Being teased by the tide that comes and goes.
Stuck.
Without the means to get myself out.
I'm slowly suffocating.
The tide keeps me alive just enough.
Gives me a taste.
Of freedom.
But I can't do it.
I'm stuck.
I don't know how.
I don't have the means.
I'm running out of ideas.
I'm running out of energy.
I'm running out of motivation.
I'm running out of time.
I'm gasping.
But I can't breathe.
I need help.
I need a miracle.
I need to believe.
Somewhere where I don't belong.
So close to where I need to be.
Touching it.
Being teased by the tide that comes and goes.
Stuck.
Without the means to get myself out.
I'm slowly suffocating.
The tide keeps me alive just enough.
Gives me a taste.
Of freedom.
But I can't do it.
I'm stuck.
I don't know how.
I don't have the means.
I'm running out of ideas.
I'm running out of energy.
I'm running out of motivation.
I'm running out of time.
I'm gasping.
But I can't breathe.
I need help.
I need a miracle.
I need to believe.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Spiral of Death
I feel like I'm spinning out of control.
I've fallen and I can't get up.
I've ran into a dead end.
I've hit a wall, hard.
I'm dazed.
I'm weak.
All I want to do is sleep it off. Sleep my life away.
I've got no energy. No motivation. No appetite.
All I'm left with are my tears. And they keep coming. They don't stop. There's no escape.
I'm withering away.
Physically.
Spiritually.
Emotionally.
Mentally.
But there's a flicker beneath it all...
A flame that's burning...
It's almost out.
I need to re-ignite it.
I need to burn away all that is holding me back.
Be gone, depression!
Be gone, panic attacks!
Be gone, apathy!
Be gone, fear!
But I'm so scared.
Scared to the point of being paralyzed.
I can't move. I can't act. I can't think.
I'm going to be run over and left for dead soon.
And the scary thing is I've started to accept that...
Who am I?
How did I become like this?
Where did I go wrong?
I want to just lie down somewhere and pass away. To run away from it all.
.
..
...
....
.....
....
...
..
.
But I know I can't.
I know God created me for a reason.
I know God has a purpose for me still.
When you can't run, you crawl... and when you can't do that, you find someone to carry you.
And there's only one person strong enough to carry me through this all.
"Footprints in the Sand"
One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; one belonging to him, and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints in the sand it was then that I carried you."
I've fallen and I can't get up.
I've ran into a dead end.
I've hit a wall, hard.
I'm dazed.
I'm weak.
All I want to do is sleep it off. Sleep my life away.
I've got no energy. No motivation. No appetite.
All I'm left with are my tears. And they keep coming. They don't stop. There's no escape.
I'm withering away.
Physically.
Spiritually.
Emotionally.
Mentally.
But there's a flicker beneath it all...
A flame that's burning...
It's almost out.
I need to re-ignite it.
I need to burn away all that is holding me back.
Be gone, depression!
Be gone, panic attacks!
Be gone, apathy!
Be gone, fear!
But I'm so scared.
Scared to the point of being paralyzed.
I can't move. I can't act. I can't think.
I'm going to be run over and left for dead soon.
And the scary thing is I've started to accept that...
Who am I?
How did I become like this?
Where did I go wrong?
I want to just lie down somewhere and pass away. To run away from it all.
.
..
...
....
.....
....
...
..
.
But I know I can't.
I know God created me for a reason.
I know God has a purpose for me still.
When you can't run, you crawl... and when you can't do that, you find someone to carry you.
And there's only one person strong enough to carry me through this all.
"Footprints in the Sand"
One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; one belonging to him, and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints in the sand it was then that I carried you."
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Lost
God created me perfect.
And I've destroyed it. I've defiled it.
Things that I've done. Things that I've said. Things that I've thought. It's all brought me further from perfection. Further from what God created me to be. Further from God.
I'm 25 years old.
Living at home.
Still in school.
No passion. No motivation.
I feel like I've lost my way somewhere.
Like I've fallen into a bottomless pit.
Everything I grab onto turns into mist and slips through my fingers.
All I wanted was a career where I could help others.
All I wanted was a career where I could make a difference.
All I wanted was to make enough money to provide for a family.
To live a good, simple life.
To love someone. To be loved back.
And to have everything feel like it's slipping away...
I'm grasping at anything and everything...
But nothing is solid enough to support me...
I keep falling...
My mind is fogged up.
My heart is as hard as a stone.
My soul is dried up.
My strength is gone.
I am lost.
And I've destroyed it. I've defiled it.
Things that I've done. Things that I've said. Things that I've thought. It's all brought me further from perfection. Further from what God created me to be. Further from God.
I'm 25 years old.
Living at home.
Still in school.
No passion. No motivation.
I feel like I've lost my way somewhere.
Like I've fallen into a bottomless pit.
Everything I grab onto turns into mist and slips through my fingers.
All I wanted was a career where I could help others.
All I wanted was a career where I could make a difference.
All I wanted was to make enough money to provide for a family.
To live a good, simple life.
To love someone. To be loved back.
And to have everything feel like it's slipping away...
I'm grasping at anything and everything...
But nothing is solid enough to support me...
I keep falling...
My mind is fogged up.
My heart is as hard as a stone.
My soul is dried up.
My strength is gone.
I am lost.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Don't Wake Me
(I find it really spooky how so many Skillet songs seem to be exactly what I'm going through at the moment)
"Death is as light as a feather, but responsibility is as heavy as a mountain."
Lately, I can not take that mountain anymore.
I just can't go on...
I was so close to just giving everything up today. Everything. Walking away from it all and never looking back.
I just want to sleep. To dream. To be where I'm happy. Even if I don't remember it when I wake up.
But I know I can't keep dreaming.
I need to start living.
God, breathe into me.
It's time to wake up from this dream. It's over. It's done.
Dream about living. Don't live in your dreams.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Anger
Anger. Is what consumes me right now.
It comes so easily these days. Over so little.
Empathy? Screw it.
Sigh... well... no... I need to understand that other people are not like me. (Thank God). But clearly most people do not like serving... they do not simply step up and take charge when required. Maybe I should learn to say no more often... and people will stop using me as an excuse.
Maybe it's the season... and I don't mean the Christmas season which usually cheers me up and I'm usually very happy and outgoing around this time... but the season of darkness. Seasonal depression. Makes me become introverted. Makes me lethargic. Mix that in with school that goes right to the 23rd of December... stupid finals... delayed Christmas shopping/gift wrapping/card writing because of school... and knowing that I won't be in town for the holidays and I'm just not as cheery, if that word could ever be used to describe me.
I am now actually looking forward to not being around for the next month and a half. Off for vacation for 2 weeks... come back and go right onto practicum and miss the entire month of January. I've never looked forward to missing so much church before, but strangely enough... now, I am.
I just don't seem to care anymore. In the back of my head, I know I want to and I know I probably will end up doing so... but for the most part... I simply no longer care.
And knowing me... something will probably happen within the next few days to change my attitude and I'll look like a fool for writing this.
Knowing what I'm supposed to do. How I'm supposed to act. And yet... everything inside... if it ever came out... wow. When is it alright to be yourself. To stop fulfilling everyone's expectations of you... or my perceptions of what their expectations are. Why does it always feel so wrong to feel what you feel when this is who you are?
It comes so easily these days. Over so little.
Empathy? Screw it.
Sigh... well... no... I need to understand that other people are not like me. (Thank God). But clearly most people do not like serving... they do not simply step up and take charge when required. Maybe I should learn to say no more often... and people will stop using me as an excuse.
Maybe it's the season... and I don't mean the Christmas season which usually cheers me up and I'm usually very happy and outgoing around this time... but the season of darkness. Seasonal depression. Makes me become introverted. Makes me lethargic. Mix that in with school that goes right to the 23rd of December... stupid finals... delayed Christmas shopping/gift wrapping/card writing because of school... and knowing that I won't be in town for the holidays and I'm just not as cheery, if that word could ever be used to describe me.
I am now actually looking forward to not being around for the next month and a half. Off for vacation for 2 weeks... come back and go right onto practicum and miss the entire month of January. I've never looked forward to missing so much church before, but strangely enough... now, I am.
I just don't seem to care anymore. In the back of my head, I know I want to and I know I probably will end up doing so... but for the most part... I simply no longer care.
And knowing me... something will probably happen within the next few days to change my attitude and I'll look like a fool for writing this.
Knowing what I'm supposed to do. How I'm supposed to act. And yet... everything inside... if it ever came out... wow. When is it alright to be yourself. To stop fulfilling everyone's expectations of you... or my perceptions of what their expectations are. Why does it always feel so wrong to feel what you feel when this is who you are?
Monday, November 23, 2009
The High Road
The high road.
Doing what is necessary. Doing what is right. Acting like nothing is wrong in front of everyone else. To hide all that hurts you, in order to not hurt someone else.
Even though all you want to do is curl up somewhere and cry.
When is it alright to be selfish? To want something you can't have? How do you know you can't have it?
How do you let it go? How do you pretend it never happened?
Smile. Just... smile. Because that is what everyone needs from you.
"Our greatest glory lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."
Doing what is necessary. Doing what is right. Acting like nothing is wrong in front of everyone else. To hide all that hurts you, in order to not hurt someone else.
Even though all you want to do is curl up somewhere and cry.
When is it alright to be selfish? To want something you can't have? How do you know you can't have it?
How do you let it go? How do you pretend it never happened?
Smile. Just... smile. Because that is what everyone needs from you.
"Our greatest glory lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Mental Fortitude
Mental Fortitude. a.k.a. - Mental and emotional strength in facing difficulty, adversity, danger, or temptation courageously.
That is what I lack.
My life has been chock full of times where I gave up when things got difficult.
- can't reach my parents standards in academics of 95% and above... so I stopped studying. Better to have an excuse for doing bad then to not reach standards when giving it your all.
- UofA. Terrible first year due to lack of studying... got myself off probation in second year... only to screw up on my third year. Bad planning (didn't read things properly when registering for courses)... but it was the 25% on my first midterm in Biochem that really messed me up. My first failing grade on any science based exam. And this was after studying for days leading up to this midterm. It was so disheartening... and then getting a repeat 25% on the second midterm... and that was it. Over. Second semester... wow, haha. (Though... I'll admit... I learned how to make friends and socialize during that final semester...)
- Working out... I have all the equipment I really need. But I rarely use it. I don't see any improvements quickly and I give up.
- To this day... I'm so scared of failing... I'm afraid to try. Could I be a better paramedic? Definitely. I'm so scared of making a mistake that I end up not doing anything decisive. Could I be a better person? Definitely. If I wasn't so scared of what others thought of me and my failures that I end up second-guessing every action and word I say. Could I be a better friend? Definitely. If I stopped holding on to all the negatives and held on to the positives.
Sigh.
So many times, I live in my own world. I zone out. I go into my own dream world. A world where the next question always ends up being... "So then what?.." And then I live out every possible way of life in my head. Good. Bad. Whatever. And then I'll live it all over again in different ways. Then I realize that I lost out on reality, cause I was living my life in my head... So, what do I do then? I choose to live out the past in my head and think about "what ifs"... ha!
I need to change that question in my head to... "So what NOW?" I need to seriously start focusing my mind again. To stop it from wandering all over the place. I need to start living my life and to stop living it out in my head. FOCUS!
Maybe that will help me with my sleeping problems too. If my mind stops wandering, perhaps I won't stay up in bed all night long.
Anyways. All things can change. So long as you work on it. Some things just require a lot more mental strength then you're always willing to admit.
An encouraging video for all of you who actually read my blog. =P You can make a difference. You can make a change. Be the change. Be the difference! =P
That is what I lack.
My life has been chock full of times where I gave up when things got difficult.
- can't reach my parents standards in academics of 95% and above... so I stopped studying. Better to have an excuse for doing bad then to not reach standards when giving it your all.
- UofA. Terrible first year due to lack of studying... got myself off probation in second year... only to screw up on my third year. Bad planning (didn't read things properly when registering for courses)... but it was the 25% on my first midterm in Biochem that really messed me up. My first failing grade on any science based exam. And this was after studying for days leading up to this midterm. It was so disheartening... and then getting a repeat 25% on the second midterm... and that was it. Over. Second semester... wow, haha. (Though... I'll admit... I learned how to make friends and socialize during that final semester...)
- Working out... I have all the equipment I really need. But I rarely use it. I don't see any improvements quickly and I give up.
- To this day... I'm so scared of failing... I'm afraid to try. Could I be a better paramedic? Definitely. I'm so scared of making a mistake that I end up not doing anything decisive. Could I be a better person? Definitely. If I wasn't so scared of what others thought of me and my failures that I end up second-guessing every action and word I say. Could I be a better friend? Definitely. If I stopped holding on to all the negatives and held on to the positives.
Sigh.
So many times, I live in my own world. I zone out. I go into my own dream world. A world where the next question always ends up being... "So then what?.." And then I live out every possible way of life in my head. Good. Bad. Whatever. And then I'll live it all over again in different ways. Then I realize that I lost out on reality, cause I was living my life in my head... So, what do I do then? I choose to live out the past in my head and think about "what ifs"... ha!
I need to change that question in my head to... "So what NOW?" I need to seriously start focusing my mind again. To stop it from wandering all over the place. I need to start living my life and to stop living it out in my head. FOCUS!
Maybe that will help me with my sleeping problems too. If my mind stops wandering, perhaps I won't stay up in bed all night long.
Anyways. All things can change. So long as you work on it. Some things just require a lot more mental strength then you're always willing to admit.
An encouraging video for all of you who actually read my blog. =P You can make a difference. You can make a change. Be the change. Be the difference! =P
Monday, October 12, 2009
Happy Thanksgiving!
It's a time for thanksgiving and a time for reflection of all that we have been blessed with!!
So, why is it that I am so ungrateful? Why is it that I want so much more then what I already have? Even when what I have is already so wonderful? Why am I never content? Why does it always take losing something great before you realize how stupid you really were? Why am I always so selfish? Why could I have not just accepted it as it was (which was extremely great and a true blessing on my life)? Why am I so immature? Why do I keep holding on so tightly that it just squeezes out through my fingers and end up holding nothing in the end?
I have not screamed into my pillow in a LONG time. But I did that again this weekend. This Thanksgiving weekend. I have not cried myself to sleep in a while now. But I did that again this weekend. This Thanksgiving weekend.
God has blessed with me with so much. He continues to bless me everyday of my life. And yet I force God to take it away because of my actions. Because I'm not thankful everyday. Because I am selfish.
The hardest thing to do in life... is to do the right thing in life. And often times, you never truly know if it's the right thing until you've done it... or missed the opportunity. I hope I made the right choice.
OH. But. HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE! =P
So, why is it that I am so ungrateful? Why is it that I want so much more then what I already have? Even when what I have is already so wonderful? Why am I never content? Why does it always take losing something great before you realize how stupid you really were? Why am I always so selfish? Why could I have not just accepted it as it was (which was extremely great and a true blessing on my life)? Why am I so immature? Why do I keep holding on so tightly that it just squeezes out through my fingers and end up holding nothing in the end?
I have not screamed into my pillow in a LONG time. But I did that again this weekend. This Thanksgiving weekend. I have not cried myself to sleep in a while now. But I did that again this weekend. This Thanksgiving weekend.
God has blessed with me with so much. He continues to bless me everyday of my life. And yet I force God to take it away because of my actions. Because I'm not thankful everyday. Because I am selfish.
The hardest thing to do in life... is to do the right thing in life. And often times, you never truly know if it's the right thing until you've done it... or missed the opportunity. I hope I made the right choice.
OH. But. HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE! =P
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Hi, EUNICE
Welcome to the blogging community, Eunice! Don't get too addicted. =P Shouldn't be too hard now that not many people actually update their blogs, haha. I just got back into it after a year's absence.
There isn't much to it. Write what you want. Just remember that people will read it. Sometimes it does help to write things out (as you know)... but other times it really does help having somebody actually read your inner most thoughts and give you some advice, opinions, etc. Just be very careful who knows your blog address and whether or not you actually want people reading it. XP
Sometimes, you can reveal exactly who you are and what you're thinking deep down inside. Other times, you can cover up with a well-written blog... almost like being at a masquerade! haha. Actually, I'm just trying to tie this into the video I have posted on your behalf! So, Eunice, welcome to the masquerade (aka. the world of blogging, haha)
Welcome to the Masquerade - Thousand Foot Krutch!
There isn't much to it. Write what you want. Just remember that people will read it. Sometimes it does help to write things out (as you know)... but other times it really does help having somebody actually read your inner most thoughts and give you some advice, opinions, etc. Just be very careful who knows your blog address and whether or not you actually want people reading it. XP
Sometimes, you can reveal exactly who you are and what you're thinking deep down inside. Other times, you can cover up with a well-written blog... almost like being at a masquerade! haha. Actually, I'm just trying to tie this into the video I have posted on your behalf! So, Eunice, welcome to the masquerade (aka. the world of blogging, haha)
Welcome to the Masquerade - Thousand Foot Krutch!