Don't Wake Me

(I find it really spooky how so many Skillet songs seem to be exactly what I'm going through at the moment)

"Death is as light as a feather, but responsibility is as heavy as a mountain."

Lately, I can not take that mountain anymore.

I just can't go on...

I was so close to just giving everything up today. Everything. Walking away from it all and never looking back.

I just want to sleep. To dream. To be where I'm happy. Even if I don't remember it when I wake up.

But I know I can't keep dreaming.

I need to start living.



God, breathe into me.

It's time to wake up from this dream. It's over. It's done.

Dream about living. Don't live in your dreams.

Anger

Anger. Is what consumes me right now.

It comes so easily these days. Over so little.

Empathy? Screw it.

Sigh... well... no... I need to understand that other people are not like me. (Thank God). But clearly most people do not like serving... they do not simply step up and take charge when required. Maybe I should learn to say no more often... and people will stop using me as an excuse.

Maybe it's the season... and I don't mean the Christmas season which usually cheers me up and I'm usually very happy and outgoing around this time... but the season of darkness. Seasonal depression. Makes me become introverted. Makes me lethargic. Mix that in with school that goes right to the 23rd of December... stupid finals... delayed Christmas shopping/gift wrapping/card writing because of school... and knowing that I won't be in town for the holidays and I'm just not as cheery, if that word could ever be used to describe me.

I am now actually looking forward to not being around for the next month and a half. Off for vacation for 2 weeks... come back and go right onto practicum and miss the entire month of January. I've never looked forward to missing so much church before, but strangely enough... now, I am.

I just don't seem to care anymore. In the back of my head, I know I want to and I know I probably will end up doing so... but for the most part... I simply no longer care.

And knowing me... something will probably happen within the next few days to change my attitude and I'll look like a fool for writing this.

Knowing what I'm supposed to do. How I'm supposed to act. And yet... everything inside... if it ever came out... wow. When is it alright to be yourself. To stop fulfilling everyone's expectations of you... or my perceptions of what their expectations are. Why does it always feel so wrong to feel what you feel when this is who you are?

The High Road

The high road.

Doing what is necessary. Doing what is right. Acting like nothing is wrong in front of everyone else. To hide all that hurts you, in order to not hurt someone else.

Even though all you want to do is curl up somewhere and cry.

When is it alright to be selfish? To want something you can't have? How do you know you can't have it?

How do you let it go? How do you pretend it never happened?

Smile. Just... smile. Because that is what everyone needs from you.

"Our greatest glory lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."

Mental Fortitude

Mental Fortitude. a.k.a. - Mental and emotional strength in facing difficulty, adversity, danger, or temptation courageously.

That is what I lack.

My life has been chock full of times where I gave up when things got difficult.
- can't reach my parents standards in academics of 95% and above... so I stopped studying. Better to have an excuse for doing bad then to not reach standards when giving it your all.
- UofA. Terrible first year due to lack of studying... got myself off probation in second year... only to screw up on my third year. Bad planning (didn't read things properly when registering for courses)... but it was the 25% on my first midterm in Biochem that really messed me up. My first failing grade on any science based exam. And this was after studying for days leading up to this midterm. It was so disheartening... and then getting a repeat 25% on the second midterm... and that was it. Over. Second semester... wow, haha. (Though... I'll admit... I learned how to make friends and socialize during that final semester...)
- Working out... I have all the equipment I really need. But I rarely use it. I don't see any improvements quickly and I give up.
- To this day... I'm so scared of failing... I'm afraid to try. Could I be a better paramedic? Definitely. I'm so scared of making a mistake that I end up not doing anything decisive. Could I be a better person? Definitely. If I wasn't so scared of what others thought of me and my failures that I end up second-guessing every action and word I say. Could I be a better friend? Definitely. If I stopped holding on to all the negatives and held on to the positives.

Sigh.

So many times, I live in my own world. I zone out. I go into my own dream world. A world where the next question always ends up being... "So then what?.." And then I live out every possible way of life in my head. Good. Bad. Whatever. And then I'll live it all over again in different ways. Then I realize that I lost out on reality, cause I was living my life in my head... So, what do I do then? I choose to live out the past in my head and think about "what ifs"... ha!

I need to change that question in my head to... "So what NOW?" I need to seriously start focusing my mind again. To stop it from wandering all over the place. I need to start living my life and to stop living it out in my head. FOCUS!

Maybe that will help me with my sleeping problems too. If my mind stops wandering, perhaps I won't stay up in bed all night long.

Anyways. All things can change. So long as you work on it. Some things just require a lot more mental strength then you're always willing to admit.

An encouraging video for all of you who actually read my blog. =P You can make a difference. You can make a change. Be the change. Be the difference! =P

Happy Thanksgiving!

It's a time for thanksgiving and a time for reflection of all that we have been blessed with!!

So, why is it that I am so ungrateful? Why is it that I want so much more then what I already have? Even when what I have is already so wonderful? Why am I never content? Why does it always take losing something great before you realize how stupid you really were? Why am I always so selfish? Why could I have not just accepted it as it was (which was extremely great and a true blessing on my life)? Why am I so immature? Why do I keep holding on so tightly that it just squeezes out through my fingers and end up holding nothing in the end?

I have not screamed into my pillow in a LONG time. But I did that again this weekend. This Thanksgiving weekend. I have not cried myself to sleep in a while now. But I did that again this weekend. This Thanksgiving weekend.

God has blessed with me with so much. He continues to bless me everyday of my life. And yet I force God to take it away because of my actions. Because I'm not thankful everyday. Because I am selfish.

The hardest thing to do in life... is to do the right thing in life. And often times, you never truly know if it's the right thing until you've done it... or missed the opportunity. I hope I made the right choice.



OH. But. HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE! =P

Hi, EUNICE

Welcome to the blogging community, Eunice! Don't get too addicted. =P Shouldn't be too hard now that not many people actually update their blogs, haha. I just got back into it after a year's absence.

There isn't much to it. Write what you want. Just remember that people will read it. Sometimes it does help to write things out (as you know)... but other times it really does help having somebody actually read your inner most thoughts and give you some advice, opinions, etc. Just be very careful who knows your blog address and whether or not you actually want people reading it. XP

Sometimes, you can reveal exactly who you are and what you're thinking deep down inside. Other times, you can cover up with a well-written blog... almost like being at a masquerade! haha. Actually, I'm just trying to tie this into the video I have posted on your behalf! So, Eunice, welcome to the masquerade (aka. the world of blogging, haha)

Welcome to the Masquerade - Thousand Foot Krutch!

Minding the Tongue

I've started to notice a lot of things I say. And they aren't always good. They never have been. I think a lot of it started because I felt I needed to say something to fit in. That not saying anything made me feel separate from the group. And it got to a point where I no longer cared what my words did. Cause it became a way of life. People began to expect it. It was who I was. There was a point where I tried to stop saying things... but people would just automatically say things "for me". And even then... even when I didn't say anything... or wasn't even there... people would still believe I did. So, I stopped trying. Why bother when people are going to credit it to you even if you don't say it?? Why not just do it then and get it over with?

BUT... that's the easy way out. And this is a habit that needs to be broken. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen" -Ephesians 4:29. To break this habit, I don't think I can revert back to the old steps I've tried; of just biting my tongue. Biting my tongue is a short-term solution, but that is all it is. I may be able to stop myself every so often. But it does not stop my mind from thinking it. And that is where it all boils down to. Like the song by Skillet - Monster... I feel like a monster.
It must be contained.
It needs to be tamed.
It will be tough, but must be done.
Not on my own, but through the Son. =P

Cross Iron Mills

Finally dropped by Cross Iron Mills today. Not quite what I expected. Architecturally, it is nicer. I quite enjoyed walking around the mall. Even the flooring was nice. It's also smaller than I thought it would be, and there's definitely not too many new or unique stores... that I noticed, at least. With that, I did not feel overwhelmed at this mall like I thought I would. But then again, I didn't go into too many stores either and didn't buy anything except something for lunch. Koryo was good. Portion seemed bigger (at least the sides)... but I felt gypped because they don't include a drink with the combos anymore. Sigh. Prices seemed about the same as anywhere else. Even the factory outlets didn't seem like a bargain. Maybe I'm just too cheap when it comes to shopping, haha. Or the fact that I bought 5 cd's at Blessings earlier already. Either way, the highlight of my day was definitely my new cd's!!

SKILLET, TFK, LEELAND, RED, and the Counting on God CD! WOOT WOOT! Loving it. I was so tempted to just sit somewhere in my car and just listen to my music!!

I also washed my car today and sharpened my skates. For anyone that cares. The new hockey store at Cross Irons sharpens skates for $5. Cheaper than Tuxedo which is $7.50. But then you have to drive further. haha.

And now I've realized why I gave up blogging. What's the point of updating this? haha. Does anybody really care? Do I even care? Not all my posts will be deep reflections on life like my last one. =P

Oh well. Enjoy some songs from the cd's I purchased today!

Skillet - Alive and Awake


Thousand Foot Krutch - Bring Me To Life


Leeland - Love Is On The Move


RED - Breath Into Me


New Life Worship - Counting On God

A New Beginning

WARNING: An extremely long blog.

It's been a long time since I've blogged. I don't even know why I'm back. But there's enough stuff swirling in my head that maybe this will help me sort things out a bit... Talking it out in my head... mostly arguing/debating... doesn't seem to to do much, except to bring up more questions and concerns.

But like the title says... it is time for a new beginning.

Summer camp was the starting point. Every message seemed to be directed at me.

Sunday service: Seek the GOLD of Excellence, not BRONZE. Gold is symbolized by being 'Simple', 'Passionate' with 'Risk "Faith"'. And Bronze is symbolized by 'Structure', 'Protocol' and being 'Reserved'. I am a man of structure and protocol who takes very few risks. Things need to be done in a very specific way. Things need to be thought out till every minor detail has been seen to. Nothing is to be left unprepared for and when the unexpected happens, I am not a happy man. This attitude bodes well for administrative stuff like wedding coordinating (apparently)... but it also takes away from God and places everything onto myself. Which can not and should not be.

Monday Evening: God is unpredictable and always moving. Our strength must be renewed DAILY. We must Embrace the Word and the Prophetic; Enjoy the presence; and Expect to be Surprised by a God on the move. We can not build a tent and stay put in this moment! I am one who lives in the past. I am one who holds onto things (good and bad) longer than is healthy. My room, like my memory, is lined wall-to-wall with the gifts and the pains gathered throughout my life. Always on display. Never thrown out. Very little has been added to my room/memory in the past few years. And maybe it is time to start replacing the past with the present.

Tuesday Morning: FORGIVENESS! Forgiveness is NOT forgetting/pardon/justice/reconditioning. Forgiveness is accepting people who have hurt you with Gods Grace and seeing them as if they never hurt you. We are all full of bitterness and anger from our past hurts. We must forgive in order to be forgiven. The 7 proofs of forgiveness: 1) Keep it quiet. 2) Proceed in tenderness. 3) Embrace rather than distance. 4) Release them from negative emotions. 5) Walk in DIVINE PERSPECTIVE. 6) Bless and do not Curse. 7) Keep on Forgiving! The list of manifestations that prove that we are bitter... could have easily been a description of me. As each one was listed off, it felt like a nail was hammered into my heart. And I know that I need to change. As hard as it will be, I need to. During my quiet reflection at the end of that service, one name kept popping to mind... no matter how hard I tried to resist it or to push it away, that name always came back. I have since talked with that person and found that the bitterness was mutual. But being released from that bitterness felt like a mountain was lifted off my back. I know there are more mountains on my back and hopefully they continue to come off one at a time cause I long to be free!

Tuesday Evening:"Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is FREEDOM!" - 2 Cor 3:17. Our past is not the only thing holding us back from being free with God. Our present self also hinders us from soaring. 1) Sin: Guilt - You MADE a mistake. Shame - You ARE the mistake. 2) Fear: Our pride is too great. 3) Analysis: Can lead to paralysis from criticism and mockery. 4) Control: Our way. Our time. "God offends the mind to reveal the heart". 5) Emotions: Go Hard or Go Home. Participate; Not Spectate. 6) Distractions: Embrace; Enjoy; Expect! Get distracted by the almighty God! Something that I know has been on the hearts of many at church lately has been the lack of worship. The 'deadness' of it all. It has felt like everyone wanted to reach out and to let go of themselves, but everyone was too scared to do so alone. Well, Tuesday night... That all changed. We were released from our bonds; as one. Our spirits were FREE! And seeing that continue after camp has been a BLESSING! Personally, all 6 barriers exist in my life. Sin is unavoidable. But I need to stop looking at myself as the mistake and understanding that mistake has been made and can be learned from. Fear of what others think and Pride of thinking I know what is right is a hindrance. I analyze everything to the smallest detail and often overlook the bigger picture. Through this analysis, I 'believe' I know what to expect and how it should happen... which actually rarely happens the way I thought! Spectating is how I analyze which stops me from participating often. And there are so many distractions in life. Each of these walls must be broken down. For me, my top 2 were Control and Analysis.

Wednesday Morning: To seek God, we must prioritize God. We must meet him "Face-to-Face" (Panim). God is pleased with us and His presence will be with us. This was, I hate to admit, probably the service that I was the most tired in... other than the testimony one... But knowing that God is pleased with us and not always angry at us really does strike a chord with me. I have done so much wrong. Said so many things that I should not have. That to know that God is pleased with me and that I am His. WOW. Oh, and the workshop. God has a plan, that's for sure. For all the worrying about the youth not taking God/camp/prayer seriously. They sure brought up great questions and answers! I am so proud of them! And so excited for their futures!

Wednesday Evening: "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope" - Jer. 29:11 "Your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, This is the way, walk in it, Whenever you turn to the right hand Or whenever you turn to the left" - Isa. 30:21. We are all as close to God as we want to be. God is with us, no matter which direction we choose to take, and He has a plan for us that is GOOD and not EVIL! One of my greatest regrets it not having the study and work habits throughout my academic career. One of my biggest burdens is my 3 years at UofA. A time of utter academic failure. A time of being totally lost. A time where I often doubt whether or not I achieved what God wanted me to achieve up there. And it was something I actually voiced right before service to someone. And to know that... no matter what choice I make in life. No matter which direction I end up taking, be it a right turn or a left turn. God is still in control. God will still use me for good. God will still provide all that I require. And it will be good.

Since camp, I have ended up working a lot. My emergency room practicum started up. And other things have come to mind. When I think about it; It is not where I expected myself to be 5 years ago. And at times, I feel worthless. I feel lost. I feel stupid. I feel like I could have been something better. Someone better. But here I am. And I AM FREE! And God is STILL with me. And God's plan for me is STILL GOOD! I am STILL blessed with a great and loving family. I am STILL blessed with great and caring friends that look out for me no matter how big of a jerk I am. I AM BLESSED!

Here's to a NEW BEGINNING!