Sigh... can't sleep. 3:38am. Wide awake. But tired... Listening to Switchfoot: 4:12. Almost there. Thinking too much. This quote came to mind again.
“For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin--real life. There was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.”
- Alfred D. Souza
It seems I keep sitting around and just waiting for something to happen. For things to 'fall into place' as it were. Why am I so lazy? Why am I so apathetic? Why is it so hard to STOP being so lazy... so apathetic?
I wish I was the type of person that reached out and grabbed something... anything by the horns instead of being who I am... which is the type of person that really sits there with his hands open until something falls into it before I grab it. Sigh. Not to mention... my reflexes suck! So... when the opportunity does land... I usually don't notice till it's long gone.
Doubts are back. Doubts about paramedics. I think it's because my Operating Room Practicum is on Thursday. Or the fact that I dropped the ball during class last time when I chose not to do a live IV start. Or the fact that I still don't seem to be thinking of this 'schooling' as my career. I keep thinking of it like I thought of HS or JH or even University. Go through school... pass exams... graduate... get a job then life will start. That's when you start to really work. Well... I wanted something more practical for schooling and I got it... and I'm still thinking the same way. Bad Habits are hard to break.
Contacts... cooler safety goggles. That doesn't make you a paramedic. Your mental state and preparation does. And I'm not ready. I'm scared. Choosing which paramedic program for next year has gotten me to think... do I want to be a paramedic? Or stay as an EMT? As an EMT for the city... I'll usually be paired up with a paramedic... so my job duties will be mostly... Spinal Immobilization, Bag-Valve Mask, Packaging, Driving. Those things I can do... cause the patients life will for the most part be in my partners hands... not mine.
My biggest fear. Is not bugs. It's failure.
Unfortunately... I'm the type of guy that's afraid of failure and doesn't try... that way I can't fail.
I'd rather be the type of guy that's afraid of failure and tries... tries so hard to be perfect to stay away from failure.
Oh Lord: Break these chains! Set this captive free!
2 comments:
I hear ya bro... don't let these fears consume you... that's why we have Jesus! These fears seem and sometimes are bigger than we are, but they are NOTHING... THEY ARE NOTHING compared to the POWER and MAJESTY of our Lord Christ JESUS! I'm a lazy one too. One reason why it's so hard to change is because we've believed and lived this LIE all of our lives! Remember what Steve Huhn said? We live out these lies that the enemy keeps feeding us. We have to break these lies and live under Jesus' yoke! Actually, I think he was just quoting Rob Bell from Velvet Elvis.... read this book! I'm praying for you, bro
Most of us struggle with the fear of failure...including myself :)
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