Baggage

WARNING: LONG BLOG

Today at church was... interesting. Good, and something the church needed... something we all needed. Testimony time was great but the worship and prayer at the end seemed to clinch it, at least for me.

But the one thing I found out today is that I'm holding a lot more baggage than I realize or care to admit to. Baggage that has been getting heavier and heavier over the years while I've been pushing it away from consciousness. During worship, I found myself thinking about my time at UofA again... something that happens quite often since I've come back. Usually those thoughts are centered around me being a failure, Failure, FAILURE and usually come up when I'm trying to study, practice, or succeed at doing something in my life. But today, it was different... I think God was showing me something that either I've chosen to ignore, or that I've never realized before.

I mean, sure, I didn't do well academically (exept perhaps in 2nd year when I got myself off of academic probation) but does that mean I'm a failure? Perhaps in my own eyes and definately in others eyes, I am. To me, I've always figured that with how I ended up at UofA... it HAD to be God guiding me there for a reason (and I believed it then and I still believe it). During my time there I talked to some people at GGCA and I always brought up the fact that I could never seem to find out my reason for being there... that I didn't feel like I was accomlishing what God wanted me to do there. I felt lost, I felt useless... And then when I started to do poorly in Academics... it felt like I was standing on the road of life watching as a steamroller rolled over me. And I died there... became flat... listless. And to this day... that is who I've been... that has been my life. A flat, listless dead person. Perhaps that is why the song "Dead Man (Carry Me)" by Jars of Clay is the song I start off with pretty much everyday and the chorus is what I sing to myself all the time. (Before this day, I thought I liked this song because I'm going to be a paramedic and that will be a scene I'll likely be seeing on the field... but God showed me today that NO... this song is about YOU)

So, Carry Me
I'm Just A Dead Man
Lying On the Carpet
Can't Find A Heart Beat
Make Me Breath
I Want To Be A New Man
Tired Of The Old One
Out With The Old Plan

What God showed me today was that... the thing with life and the mistakes we as humans make everyday is that... I tried to take control. I KNEW that God sent me up there for a reason... and I ASSUMED that reason would be what I wanted. To be a doctor and that because God helped me make that decision to go to UofA that it would be EASY. But looking back at it and the revelations that God gave me today... my reasons were horrible. Like Darrens testimony today... I had a dream... I had a desire... but it wasn't Gods. I wanted that prestige that being a doctor would give me (so I could go back to school reunions and show to all those who looked down on me that I could succeed), I wanted that wealth, and the reason I've never realized before today... I wanted to beat my sister, who I guess I've been living under her shadow for far too long. If she was going to be a Doctor of Psychology... well, I would be a doctor, doctor.

But when I started to do poorly academically... Instead of looking to God and finding where He wanted me to go. I figured I'll just keep on going on with what I'm doing now and get a degree... any degree because without it... I'd be a total failure. It wasn't until 3rd year University that I started to pray about it... to find what God wanted me to do and where He wanted me to go. And at first, I was scared with the answer that He gave me. He kept on pushing Paramedics onto my heart and I kept on saying "No Way, Lord", are you nuts? It's similar to being a doctor... but I wouldn't be working in a hospital setting with tons of nurses and other doctors to help me and in a controlled environment. I'd be working with one other person out in the cold, rain, snow, sleet, scorching sun in situations that a doctor/nurse would never have to see. I talked to my parents and some friends about it... and the consensus was that I'd be nuts and that this would never work out. But I kept praying and by the end of first semester, I KNEW that I was going to pursue paramedics. I KNEW that was what I was going to do after I finished the next semester coming up (the LAST one ever, and I KNEW it, I ACCEPTED it).

After I accepted my 'fate' and had actually prayed to God to take control and lead me to where He wanted me to be... I felt comforted. I felt safe. Scared for the new task ahead, but at peace. That's when I started going out and talking to the people around me. And I started to change. I was no longer that hugely shy kid that wanted to stay away from everyone becuase of fear, shame or whatnot. I became more confident, more outgoing but less dependent on my friends as I was before I went to UofA. And God showed me today that even though I might not realize it. God DID HAVE A PLAN FOR ME! My time at UofA was NOT a failure (only in my eyes and others eyes because I didn't accomplish MY OWN dreams and desires)... but God changed me in a way that I probably could not have until I finally let go and give Him control.

Strange thing with all this is that... You'd expect me to have realized this immediately upon following His guidance into paramedics and even after all that God has done for me with paramedics and provided me a way to keep moving forward even though it seems like I couldn't, but I didn't. The enemies lies are a powerful weapon. His whispers in my ear told me that sure I changed as a person because of my time at UofA but it doesn't matter one tiny bit because I was still a failure. A failure for life.

And I fell for it. Instead of allowing God to revive my flat, dead person... I allowed the enemies lies to keep me flat and in such a way that I went about life thinking I was fine and this is just who I am. My life has become almost a self-fulfilling prophecy because of this. I kept pushing my studies back... and back... and back... because in my mind... I've already failed, so why bother?

And even now... I've been stuck believing the enemies lies for such a long time that... even with the revelations from God this morning. I KNOW it's going to be a long and hard road before I ever truly get away from these thoughts of failure, from being a flat, dead person. It will be a long time before I stop feeling like I'm living 2 separate lives. But one day... Geo will be alive again... one day.