Depression and Wounds

WARNING: Semi-Long Blog... Highly Negative Blog... Nothing Of Much Interest Blog...

So, over the past few years (since I graduated from HS) I've noticed that every autumn becomes very difficult for me mentally. Possible Seasonal Depression? Even my mom has noticed it and believes it to be the case. Sigh. My mom brings up the point that my first semester grades are always lower than my second semester grades... very interesting, lol. I always figured it was because I'm a slow-starter but looking back over the past few years... I seem to give up easier on things around the autumn compared to spring. I also find that I need a LOT more sleep during this time then I usually do. And no, it isn't from oversleeping... I know the feeling of oversleeping cause I've done that quite often the past year of on-and-off schooling and working and this isn't it. I bring this up now... cause I found myself quitting on studying really quickly these past few weeks. I'm usually slow to motivate myself to begin studying, but usually once I start I'm alright and go along at a decent pace. But this time... once I started... I gave up really quickly and in a really negative way. Is this because of possible seasonal depression? or something else?

The Mens Cell-Group has been going through the book "Wild At Heart" and it speaks of being wounded and losing oneself (the true masculine heart as created by God). This weeks chapter was on needing to acknowledge your wounds first in order to be able to overcome your wounds. As I was thinking about what possible wounds I have hidden away... the thought... FAILURE came to mind. I've always been scared of failure... possibly because of the punishment and the expectations to exceed from family and culture. But I KNOW the reason why I became so lazy in school was because I could simply say this after any result:
If I did well in an exam or a class: "Yeah, I didn't study for this at all (makes me seem smarter then I truly am)"
If I didn't do well in an exam or a class: "Yeah, I didn't study for this at all (gives me an excuse for my failures)"
And I was able to pull this off through JH and HS... but reality sunk in when I went to University. Being requested to withdraw twice in three years... The first time, I blamed it on my English prof. who gave me an F. And it didn't help any when I went from an F to a B+ just from changing English profs, cause it made myself believe it even more that the first time wasn't my fault. But then failing a BioChem midterm even after studying 300X more than I have ever studied for any other exam... wow... that smacked me silly and I never recovered from that failure. So, am I so afraid of failure now that I'm afraid to even try? Or, am I so hurt from past failures that even when I do try... I start to think that it will not matter and just give up? Sigh.

So many times I wish I had learned something different when I was younger. So many times I wish I could go back in time and change who I am. So many times I wish I was somebody else. So many times I wish I was born somewhere else. So many times I wish I wasn't even born. So often do I find myself living my life through my mind, through my fantasies. So often do I find myself caught up playing a video game, watching a movie, tv show, reading a fantasy/sci-fi novel... and so often do I find myself wishing I was in that reality instead of this one. Always living my life as the hero. The one who is filled with honor. The one that saves the world. The one that saves others. And yet... in this life... would I be the hero? or the villain? or possibly just a nobody? The ensign that gets sent on every mission just so that someome could get killed... Maybe my mom was right? The reason why I want to become a paramedic is because it is viewed as a "hero" job - the entire job-description is precisely that... you go out and you save others. Though, we rarely if ever put our own life in risk to do so... which is perhaps why I've been thinking about joining the military... ack... am I doing this paramedic program because of MY OWN WISHES? or because this is who God created me to be? Sigh... so many questions... that always only lead to more questions.

Rev. Kelly Johnson said on Sunday that the more you are alone, the less years you'll live. Sometimes I wish that my limited years would just come to end now.

Wow... did that ever turn into a negative blog! Anyways... FYI: I'm not suicidal and I'm not highly-depressed. Just felt I needed to get some things off my chest in order to acknowledge my wounds and to overcome them. So now... back to studying Medical Terminology (how I loathe thee)... and hopefully with less burden upon my heart that I might be able to focus without feeling the need to quit. :P