Now that DVBS '07 "Journey To Egypt" is officially over... I've had some time to think about VBS and about life in general.
VBS: The Past
After VBS ended today, I pulled my 3 leaders away for their end of VBS review... and all I got was 3 very tired... very bored... very uninterested youth staring back at me. None seemed to care. None seemed to want to be there... and none of them wanted to say anything and it made me wonder. In the past 4 months of working with them and training them... did I even make an impact on their lives? Or did I do that poor of a job at being a leader for them? Was there more that I could have done? Was there more that I SHOULD have done? Did I fail in my attempt to train them and to be a leader for them? And the more I think about it... the more I think I did. Should I have done things differently... said things differently? Probably. Could I have done things differently... said things differently? Definitely. And I failed to do so.
VBS: The Present
Now that VBS is over... I need to start looking back over the entire program and coming up with a review for the Deacon Board. And I'm scared. I don't know what to say... it feels like we didn't reach expectations and I'm scared. I need to explain why we didn't get the numbers we wanted... why we did this or didn't do that... but most importantly... the numbers. It feels like everyone expected much higher numbers then what we actually achieved... and there are so many theories as to why we didn't... I ... just ... don't ... know ...
VBS: The Future
About a week or 2 ago... I started thinking about next years VBS. I don't know why... but I started thinking about it again when I was sleeping (or half-asleep) and so much of what will happen to next years VBS will hinge on my report that I give to the board regarding this years VBS (or so I think...) and I'm scared. I have high hopes for next year and I have an idea of who I would like to lead and whether or not they can or will even be given permission by the board to lead it... and strangely... I've already started planning for it... it's weird. I have my coordinator lined up... the support cast lined up. When they should start preparing a proposal... how to prepare the proposal... what to do to take away the doubts about not getting sufficient numbers like this year... everything. But those are all hopes... which in my mind are based on whether or not my report this year is good and... then I have to get past the doubts I have on whether or not I even made an impact on these youths lives... and whether or not I should even get involved (even a little) next year. Probably not... but then are these dreams... purely my own dreams... or are they from God? I still don't know whether or not me stepping in to supervise this year was a dream from God or just my own thoughts going...
My Life: The Past
After I started seeing myself as a failure again this year in regards to training these youth to be leaders... it brought up an old wound that seems to never heal and never go away. My time at UofA. I've taught these youth (or at least tried to) to always give their ALL in EVERY opportunity that God provides for them... and I didn't give my all when I was at UofA. I gave almost nothing... and I still wonder... what could have been if I had given my all? I dropped the ball when I was at UofA and I know it... I was given an opportunity and I dropped the ball. ... I understand that this is the past and it's over and there isn't anything I can do about it anymore... but every so often, it resurfaces... the doubt... the frustration...
My Life: The Present
And everytime I look back at all these doubts and wonder whether or not I've truly learned from them... and I don't think I have. I officially became a graduated EMT at the end of June and I graduated with a 4.0... and yet I didn't give my all. I didn't try my best. I slacked off... I was lazy... the only difference this time was my mark. 4.0. But it means NOTHING in this field. I can get a 4.0 in school all I want and unless I perform on the field with REAL lives in my hands... I'm nothing. And it makes me scared... am I a medic just because I've graduated and will have a license to practice in this trade? Or will I only be a medic when I've fully given myself over to that profession? Will I ever? Or will these doubts take me down again? Will this cycle never end? LORD, help me BREAK through these CHAINS that hold me DOWN!
My Life: The Future
There are times when it feels like I put my life on hold for VBS... and now that it's over. I have to put my life back on play. And now I need to search for a job... a real one... in my field. This job at the hospital is great. But it's a temporary position. But I'm scared. I'm not a medic yet... I know I need the experience... but I'm scared of gaining that experience because I'm scared of messing up! And I KNOW that if I find a job as an EMT right now... it will most likely (95%) be rural. And I'm scared... of moving away again... of being a medic... of having lives FULLY in my care... in my hands. Am I ready for this? I don't know.
The only thing I know for sure right now is that I am slowly going crazy with all these thoughts bombarding my mind at the same time! And I have not cried in quite a while... years now... but during worship tonight... I just broke down. I'm so lost. Yet, even with Summer Camp around the corner... I'm scared... I'm scared of asking God for guidance... cause I'm afraid of what the answer will be...
2 comments:
It is good that you separated your blog into "past, present, future." Just remember that your past isn't your present, nor your future. And you're doing the right thing, to ask God to help you in your inadequacies. We tend to be more critical about ourselves than others, but at least you are evaluating where you are at and where you need to go. We have too many people going or just "going with the flow." It is good that you are challenging yourself to not do that, but to actually do what you should be doing. It is fearful to ask God questions sometimes, but few admit it. People want to appear strong on the outside. But I encourage you to ask Him, though you fear. He is the only one who can give you the right answer. And what ever the answer is, He will meet you there if you will bend your knee to it. Anyways, I didn't plan on commenting so long, but I guess I got carried away. I hope the rest of your summer will be good.
Although the Bible said Jesus was "distressed and anguish"(Mark 14:33), I can imagine He must has the same feeling of yours "being scared" on the night he prayed so hard and for so long in Gethsemane. He was betrayed by one of His "trainee", would be denied by another, and the rest would be scattered.
Do you think he would doubt His leadership, or even the purpose of His life? He might, but the important thing is, He carried on. He carried on His way to suffer for mankind. He carried His cross from then on, and died the most humiliated way.
If the story stopped there, we would have no Christianity: no faith, no appreciation of love, and no hope. The wound of Jesus' nailed hands was shown to Thomas, just as it was - a wound. Did you ever ask if that really is a wound, or it has turned around to be the sign of God's wonderous work, of His mercy, of His love?
This is the promise that God will be with you, meaning His mercy will substain you. It is up to you to stay wandering in the wilderness, because you are scared of the powerful people who live in the land of Canaan and their strong and fortified cities (Numvers 13:27), or to choose to fight that battle to enter the promise land. (Just a note here: like it or not, the Israelites had to fight that battle. Those who were scared and delayed the battle died in wilderness, unable to enjoy what God had promised.)
So, as Christians, followers of Jesus, after hard long prayers, I would move on so the purpose of my life can be fulfilled and I can one day report to God that "I have done my best in the race, I have run the full distance, and I have kept the faith" (2Tim 4:7).
Yes, it is hard to carry the cross, and it is hard to be humiliated, but Jesus said: "Come to me, all of you who are tired from carrying heavy loads, and I will give you peace. Take my yoke and put it on you., and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in spirit, and you will find rest. For the yoke I will give you is easy, and the load I will put on you is light" (Matthew 11: 28-30)
Blessings.
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